Kokubun Konexión

Grief's Three Friends

8:47 AM

Have you ever sat down and wondered what bothers God? In the past week alone, I've had two good friends ask me the same question... "Heather, what bothers you?" This morning, as I was reading, the same question popped into my head about God. "O faithless and perverse generation..." The word faith always has a way of jumping off the page at me and this time I wanted to cross out the less with the lead in my pencil.

Can you imagine what an insult it must be to an Almighty God for us to limit His almightiness? Can you imagine being known for something, famous for something... and yet having someone deny that very essence of who you are? I wonder if God had a list of things that bother him... if faith~~less~~ would be somewhere close to the top?

My eyes caught three words on a sign this morning and as I was seeking the heart of God, it's as if He revealed to me a special gift He's given me over the course of the past two years. Three grief friends, we'll called them.

Faith, is obviously the first. Faith is believing in the dark, when there's not even a crack of light bleeding through the bleak blackness. True faith sits with the little girl in the back of the station wagon at the end of Miracle of 34th street and states, "I believe, I believe, I can't see but I believe." Even in the worst of circumstances, faith chooses to keep believing. When there is no light, no rhyme, no reason, no answers, faith still hopes.

Hope is an unusual little friend. Many times we use hope as a wish, such as, "I hope I can go to Disney World next year." But I'm learning that hope does not have to depend on circumstances or on a series of good events or favor. Hope doesn't just sit back and wait for the next break, or 'I just won the lottery' moment. Hope does not rest on finances, belongings, or happiness. Hope is not founded upon a what, but rather a Who. Hope does not simply wait for better days to come. Hope is secure when cast onto the deepest waters like an anchor upon the Lover of our soul.

Love... and the greatest of these is love. Angela is about ten years old. Her mom begged me to speak with her after Bible study one night, because Angela doesn't believe that God would love her and want to save her from her sins. After speaking with Angela, I realized why. Absence of paternal love creates distrust. If my Dad doesn't love me, why in the world would God even care?

I was blessed by loving parents. I grew up knowing about love, believing that I was loved and accepted. I learned more about love when I met Daniel. I got my fairy tale Disney romance story of "falling in love" as the world calls it. I read a ton of books before marriage to prepare myself to better love and respect my mate, and then I learned daily about love for 3 years and 8 months while married to Daniel. Together we learned what love meant when we left our country, family, friends, customs, and commodities to fly to Peru, giving ourselves to this dear country. But nothing has taught me what true love is as much as 2 years of grief. What's good about grief? Nothing... at first it may seem, but there really are blessings, like my three friends.

It's easy to love when someone else brings you what you want, shows you attention, compliments, adds favor or benefits your life. But when God strips nearest and dearest, when God goes freezing cold silent on you for weeks on end and you can see no light, no favor, no attention, no added happiness and instead are seemingly forced to endure pitch black darkness, emptiness, loneliness, hardship, and haunting loss, and yet choose to love and give and be broken for others... now that's true love. Isn't that what Christ did after all? The cross, the nails, the pain, the spit, the rejection, the sting of death afresh, HE endured to show us true love.

Today, I choose gratitude for three grief friends that I have come to intimately know on my journey. Without them, I would not be the person I am today.

And now abide faith, hope, love, these three, but the greatest of these is love. 1 Cor. 13:13

SO MUCH MORE

7:38 AM

These two... I wanted to take them home, give them baths, a hot plate of food and new clothes. Jefferson was so talkative and "wanted to tell me everything he knew and assured me he knew right where our church was -- because he lives just near there, right up the mountain". And while I joy in sharing Christ's unending love for them and the normal "get out of jail" free kind of a salvation plan, inwardly; I desperately want something so much more for them and every other person. My heart breaks and I want to break more, do more, be more, change more... for them and so many others.

I plead at the altar early Sunday morning in tears that He might show up today in His temple we call church. "God, make this more than just a social club." I beg. "Make this more than a 'you can go to heaven instead of hell' 'come hear the white man speak' kind of a shallow social club meeting."

If they could just see and know that God is infinitely SO much bigger and better than just the promise of eternal life. Life's not only about the initial and principal decision of 'receive Him as Savior', although that's the perfect place to start.

If they could just begin to understand that life is so much more than a dreaded routine we're somehow forced to breathe into, walk into, work into, die into...

If they could just get it- that He is so much more wonderful and sufficient than anything earthly they could ever want to have or begin to imagine.

If they could just see that He's real and believe He loves them. That anything they need God to be, He can be that for them. He IS, the great I AM.

If they could only see that coming to the end of yourself is just the beginning of knowing Christ. One would never hand pick suffering. One wouldn't wish it on anyone, would never ask for it, would never want it, never, ever. One would never want anyone to have to go through suffering. Very few will ever know or understand, but this hand picked suffering in my life from my ever-loving Savior is what has begun to open my eyes to His wonder.

Coming to the end of one's self time and time again means coming to the beginning of seeing Christ time and time again. Tears flood my eyes as gratitude floods my heart as I see Him as everything I've ever needed Him to be. Every single time, every single day, every single void, every single pain.... each one, that I choose to take to His hand, He graciously accepts and shows me that He's there. I believe pain can be a gift, a desperately hard gift to receive, yet if received --- the deepest blessing. Suffering sometimes still scares me. Suffering brings emotions and anger, hurt and pain, the likes I'd never felt before. I wonder how deep it can possibly go... and "God, don't you know my heart's already been ground to powder? How can I break again?"

But the deeper my suffering, the deeper my admiration for His. The further I go down this unwanted and undesired path, the closer I find Him to be to my broken-to-shreds heart.

I speak to Him as I never have before--- a whisper and He's there. Sharp pain shoots through, yet there- in that same deep there place in my heart is His tender touch that healeth the deepest wounds.

Who am I, that He should love me? That He should come to bear my cross? What? My cross? I lose sight of my cross when I instead choose to fix my eyes on His. His cross? What pain, what suffering, what love. Mine? Ha, can I even say I have a cross in light of His?

If only these people, could know- that He is so much more than a huge God-like figure out in space who somehow distantly made the world. He's an intimate Friend, Lover of my soul, Provider, Giver of every good thing, Filler of every void, Satisfier of every longing.

And now, perhaps you can see my struggle on the streets of Lima...

Dearest soul who doesn't yet know Him:
"I can't begin to tell you what you're about to get into... but I can tell you this. It'll be the best thing that will ever happen to you--- and it is just the beginning. He is more... so much more. He is worth it, and so much more than worth it. I wouldn't have picked suffering, but now I wouldn't let you take it away for anything in the world. Because knowing Him like this, is literally the best thing that has ever happened to me. It's indescribable, just knowing that HE IS."

And until all do know Him, may we lift high His cross. Because He truly, and He alone, is so much more.

One Lime

11:25 AM

I sit in a daze of shock as I try to take in all the effects of recent floods. Much rain has caused chaos in this country. Floods, mudslides, homes washed away, over 60 deaths, lines of people waiting with buckets for water, and much damage is just hard to take in and comprehend... especially when it's right on your front doorstep.

One of my absolute favorite things about Peru is all the fresh food so readily available! I guess you'd say I'm spoiled as sometimes I'll eat a whole avacado with my meal, or splurge on half a pineapple that costs a sol .80, which is like 50 US cents. Pineapple and 2 pitchers full of fresh juice for 50 cents, yes, please!!!

But days ago, things started to get bad with the floods. Fresh produce can no longer get through due to highways completely destroyed and bridges that have collapsed. All of a sudden, limes skyrocketed in price, now costing over 10 USA dollars for a kilo (2.2 lbs for you americans out there ;)) ! I smiled to myself because- thank God, I still have 10 limes stored away in my fridge. Believe me that this morning as I reached for a lime to make my lime water I love so much that I felt spoiled, downright spoiled to still have limes!!! Running water that has been cut for 5 days straight makes one the happiest woman alive to be able to have a real shower. Joy abounds in this heart over the tiniest things, that before I never even would have noticed.

A question that's plagued my mind over the past several years is, "Why is it that we don't appreciate what we have until it's taken away from us?" Of course we might appreciate it to some degree, but we don't appreciate the fullness of it... until it's gone and we finally realize what we have or had.

I struggle to keep my composure when I hear the slightest joke about being married, or when a wife is complaining to me about her husband. Why? Because I would do anything, anything to have her "problem" again, if it meant I could have 5 more minutes with Daniel. I would gladly work any job, live in any conditions, survive any time period... if only I could have Daniel back.

So many times we wait to be grateful until we realize it's gone. Gratitude makes what we have enough. We look at what we have and become thankful for it...that's gratitude. But many times our perspective is wrong, we don't see things as we ought. I can't tell you how many times I've taken limes for granted!! I seriously love limes and use them almost daily here-- but I can't honestly tell you that I've thanked God for them daily. But I promise you that every little half lime I use from my fridge this week, I will be thanking God for it! And the next time, should the Lord allow me to buy more limes at the market (I won't touch them until prices come down, I'm way too thrifty!) I will be praising Him and counting them as blessings.

Gratitude, I am learning, is one of the biggest keys to having a joyful life. We can look at what we don't have, and always have a reason to complain. OR, we can look at every blessing and find that it IS enough, and that God is indeed good and always working on our behalf. Today, I'm thanking Him for limes. And you? For what will you choose to thank Him? What will you see that you already have, yet have not given thanks? Today I'll be thankful for one lime, yes- please and thank you!

Make my Refuge

12:43 PM

Reading by lamplight as I waited for the sun to rise, my eyes caught hold of these verses.

Ps 57:1 ...for my soul trusteth in thee: yea, in the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge, until these calamities be overpast.

Ps 59:16- but I will sing of thy power; yes, I will sing aloud of thy mercy in the morning: for thou hast been my defense and refuge in the day of trouble.

I felt the Lord gently ask me,

"Heather,

In your day of trouble, have you made me your defense and refuge?"

The first Psalm mentioned above says "will I make" that's a verb, it takes action. Will I actively make Him my refuge and defense?

Many times, I almost prefer to have my "pet worries" and try desperately to solve my own problems. I muse frustrated for hours, trying to figure out and make sense of everything myself.

Nevertheless God loves it when we come to the place where we need Him. If I'm really honest, I'll admit that I want to be self-sufficient. I'd rather not bother Him, thank you very much. But what if He sends us trials, tests and problems so that we can know Him as our defense, strength, and refuge? What if problems are given- not as issues to be solved, but rather as gifts to teach us to make Him our strength, refuge, and defense?

God? He stands there like a gentleman and waits... on me, to once again realize I can't do this on my own. He wants me to know I wasn't made strong enough to take it all, that's why He offers to help. He has ALL power, no limits, no issues Himself and simply waits to show Himself strong on my behalf. He can be anything I need Him to be, my strength, my shield, my defense, my comforter, but I must come to the place where I will admit to Him that I need Him to be that for me. He waits for me to come running to Him for help.

Ps 59:9 says, ¨Because of His strength will I wait upon thee: for God is my defence.¨

David recognized that it involved His waiting upon God. Waiting, in this instance, means to keep, observe, guard, take heed, watch. God's always there for me, but until I come before Him and wait on Him, I will not find Him because I´m usually too busy trying to do it all myself.

When will we run to Him, find his strength, trust His defense, and embrace His mercy? When will we wait on Him, looking upward, meanwhile resting perfectly content in each page of His story for our lives? His undying mercy awaits. In the shadow of His wings will I make my refuge.

Come Home Full

12:30 AM

There’s just something about Ruth’s sweet words in the first chapter of her book that I believe grab all of our attention…”Whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God.” Ruth’s focus had nothing to do with herself, it had everything to do with God and others. *Did you catch the word focus? Every person chooses what focus they will have.* Her attitude said, “It doesn’t matter what I’ve faced, the heartbreak in my own life, I will chose to live for God and others.”

Naomi, not quite so. She was so bitter that she insisted on changing her name to Mara. I imagine she was the type of woman that you could just tell by looking at her that she wasn’t happy or even joyful. Her public decision to change her name almost says, “Just in case you missed it on my face, I want it to be perfectly clear that I’m upset and bitter.” Wow! What a statement!!!

Ruth was “steadfastly minded” to go with Naomi. Ruth, just like Naomi and Orpah, had faced her own heartbreak and tragic chapter in her story. She chose to stay in the story God had for her without getting bitter, angry, or even upset.

Naomi states clearly that she “came home empty” even when she had Ruth who came home with her. Unfortunately, she was so bitter and focused on what God had taken away that she couldn’t get over it, and she missed the blessings God had already given her.

My million dollar question right now is, “How do I help someone become grateful for something they don’t even know they have?” So often we choose to dwell on what we don’t have yet or what’s been taken away from us that we don’t see the true blessings God puts in our lives. We “come home empty” when we focus on what has been taken or what is not, instead of focusing on what’s been freely given us already.

Today, would have been Daniel’s 28th birthday. It was a good day for me when I realized and acknowledged that God’s perfect plan for Daniel’s story was for it to be continued in heaven starting May 5th, 2015. God’s story did not have one more hour or moment or day planned for Daniel to live on earth. God’s story was to take Daniel to heaven. I can rejoice when I look at every moment I got to have with Daniel, or I can still mourn over what “is not”; what God has chosen to do differently.

Naomi clearly missed what God had given her already because she chose to focus on what had already been taken. If you look in verses 20-21, Naomi uses the word “me” 6 times. She’s so focused on herself that she doesn’t even see others. Ruth, on the other hand, only uses the word me "one" time. I believe this reveals a completely contented heart in Ruth. She was happy serving God and others.

Psalm 68:19 says that God daily “loaded us with benefits”. Many times, we are so busy looking at the empty side of the cup that we miss his blessings. Today I’ll choose to be “steadfastly minded” as Ruth was to go where God wants me to go and stay where He asks me to stay, putting God and others first. I trust that living for Him and others is the richest, happiest life that this girl could ever choose.

Trust His Heart

12:49 PM

I flipped out the light switch in my kitchen and walked into the living room. Out of sheer habit, I walked over to the french double doors of the balcony that overlooked the parking spaces underneath our apartment. At that moment I realized what I was doing: I was waiting for him. I was looking for him. I was hoping somehow that it was all a bad dream. Maybe he’d still come driving up in our 1967 volkswagon bug and the past 3 weeks of my life was just a nightmare. But then it hit me like a ton of bricks all at once. “He’s never coming home, is he, God?” I dared to whisper as tears streamed down my face. And that’s the first time I’d ever truly wept. I didn’t know I could feel so much pain deep down in my heart. The shock had only slightly begun to wear off and I had never known what it was like to feel so incredibly heart broken.

I don’t think anything in the world can prepare you for the deep trials of life. I had faced other challenges, but nothing could prepare me for this. Several weeks earlier, God gave me the biggest trial I have ever faced. My husband had fallen from a 3 story window and six days later passed on to meet His Savior. I was in shock. Devastated. Unprepared. I kept thinking, ¨No one has ever told me what to do in case of death.¨ ¨Is this really happening?¨ I asked myself over and over. ¨Can´t I go to sleep and wake up with my husband next to me in bed and shudder at the horrid nightmare, yet hug him close as I fall back to sleep?¨ Yet it was reality. No matter how much I tried to wish it away, or wanted to avoid it, the biggest trial of my life this far stared coldly at me in the face. Still to this day, it seems too heavy a burden to carry, too cruel an accident to be a reality, and yet I wake up every morning to the horrible truth: he’s gone… Until heaven. I won’t see him ever again on this earth. I will never hold his hand again, hug him when he needs a friend, encourage him while he’s discouraged, cook for him when he’s hungry, or make him laugh when he’s sad…. ever again. ¨He was only 26¨ I thought over and over. ¨We were serving God, every day, with everything we had. Why did God take him?¨ ¨There’s so much more we have to do here in Peru. So much work, so much need. So many dreams and plans and hopes and now…. What? What in the world do I do?

Daniel had just been drilling our teenagers during his preaching, “There are two changes in life. The ones we can control, and the ones we can’t. What is the only thing we can control?” And our teens would yell out, “Our reaction.” Never did I imagine His preachings would be precisely what I was about to desperately need.

I’m not sure how, and I’m not sure why, but that night as I wept bitter tears realizing he would never come home, I believe the Holy Spirit prompted me to make a most important decision. When I came to the place that I felt I could no longer cry, I looked up into heaven and told God something I will never forget. ¨God, I promise you, that no matter how many times I cry, no matter how bad my life gets, no matter how much I hurt or grieve, and even if you don’t do anything good in my life ever again, I will always trust you.¨

You may have memorized Prov. 3:5 as a kid, ¨Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding.¨ Such a simple truth, and yet so incredibly hard a principle to apply when we truly can´t see a rhyme or reason to why God does what He does. Yet the one thing we can do, is choose to trust His heart; even when our eyes cannot see. Although it’s not always easy, this has become a decision I choose to make day after day, moment after moment. After all, it is He who made us, and who delicately writes every part of our story. He has promised it will all work out for His good. So when you don’t understand, when you don’t see His plan, when you can’t trace his hand, trust His heart.

For Better, For Worse

9:03 PM

"For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health…" These are the words we memorized and proclaimed to each other on August 27th, 2011. Being married was by far one of the best decisions I have ever made.  I'll never forget how excited I was to walk down the aisle and marry the love of my life. I couldn't believe I was going to get to spend the rest of my life with Daniel Kokubun!

We willingly give ourselves away at the atlar. We give all we are, all we have to one person: a human. We know, that- regardless of how much someone loves us, that person will end up failing us. They are human: they have sin running through their veins. Yet we promise to stand by their side, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health….

Which brings me to a simple question I have been pondering much as of late. If we are so willing to trust a human being with all we are when things go well or when they become disastrous… whatever happened to trusting God, even when circumstances He plans for our lives are not favourable.

We want the “welfare Christianity.” God, I’ll follow you- but here’s my list. I must have (and you can fill in the blank here- a good job, a nice car, a happy healthy family, a painless life… etc, etc.) Perhaps we don’t openly hand Him a list, but we sure have our agenda. I think all of us when we get married have our list of “expectations.” Expectations set up for disappointment, because let’s face it- no one’s perfect, and we all fail. Yet somehow, we think we can bring our list of expectations to God and say, “I surrender all-- but you would never do anything that would bring me hurt right?”

Why is it, that we are willing to trust a person with everything, knowing they will fail us, but the moment God allows hurt into our lives somehow we feel we have a right to get bitter and mad at Him? Where are the Christians who will stand up and say, “God, no matter what you do in my life, I will follow you, until death.” Where are the Christians who will rip up their list of expectations and their hopes of a happy Disney World Christian life to say, “Here, God. Take my life. I surrender all. I’ll take pain, I’ll take suffering, I’ll do anything, just to be yours.”

I greatly admire the faith and courage of Elisabeth Elliot who said, “Faith need never ask, 'But what good did this do to me?' Faith already knows that everything that happens fits into a pattern for good to those who love God. An inconvenience is always, whether we see it or not, a blessed inconvenience. We may rest in the promise that God is fitting together a good many more things than are any of our business. We need never see 'what good it did,' or how a given trouble accomplishes anything. It is peace to leave it all with Him, asking only that He do with me anything He wants, anywhere, anytime, that God may be glorified.”

Wow, what surrender. Oh, to have a heart like hers. True love, as we read about in 1 Corinthians 13, ¨Bears all things.¨ This could mean putting up with a tiny inconvenience or being willing to bear and endure deep suffering. True love ¨Bears all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.¨ (1 Cor. 13:7)

When I stood at the altar on August 27th, 2011, I committed to 'for better or for worse' with Daniel, for the rest of our lives. It´s a commitment I gladly made. He was more than worth it.

We’re willing to trust a human being who will fail us. But God, He won’t ever fail us. And although sin brings a myriad of unfortunate circumstances into our lives, we have a promise: That His story will be perfect. We might not like our role in it, or what it means for us at the time being. But when did we start believing that it’s all about us anyways? It’s not about us. Period. It’s not about our happiness. Period. Happiness will come, one day... But right now, He’s working His story and His plan. Will we trust Him, for better or for worse? Till death… ?

All of me

12:44 PM

You know how when you first get married, there’s a big joke about when you’re going to have your first fight? Dan and I used to constantly mess around and joke about what our first fight would be about. What petty, stupid thing would have the honor of being the contingency for our first fight?

I don’t remember if when we ever had our “first fight” but I do remember one fight. I’m not exactly sure what horrible crime my husband had committed. (Did I really just say that? I'm sure I was the culprit!) But I do remember that night I dished it out to him. Talk about jerk with a capital J. I let him have it. We had established a rule that we wouldn’t go to sleep upset at each other. So… late that night, I finally came to my senses and apologized to him. I will never forget how he treated me that night. It had been all my fault- I was a total jerk, and yet at the moment that I said, “Babe, I’m so sorry.”
He quietly whispered, “Hun, it’s ok. I forgive you.” And he meant it. He went on to explain to me in the most loving way, “Babe, I didn’t marry you because of what you could do for me. I didn’t marry you for every good characteristic you have. I married you for all of you.” I looked at him totally puzzled. “All of me?” I asked. “Even my jerk side? You’re crazy.” I probably told him. (Hey, I believe in being blunt and real ;)) Then I asked, “Why in the world would you want to love all of me? I can be such a jerk sometimes. I fail often! I try hard… but seriously, parts of my soul are downright ugly and awful.”
He kindly responded, “I know. But I love all of you. Every part of who you are.”

I’ll never forget that conversation… or a note Daniel wrote me later, that he ended with “All of who I am, Daniel.”

About three months into my grief, my Pastor was counselling me. He must have sensed that my grief was reaching a certain stage because he told me, “You know, Heather, it’s ok for you to get mad at God.”
I was totally confused, trying to process in my mind how it would be ok to get mad at the one who loved me SO much, and had given His very all for me. “But God,” I told him through tears, “God doesn’t deserve me to get mad at Him. He didn’t do anything wrong. It’s all apart of His perfect plan. Who I am to get upset with God?¨
“Did you ever fight with a really good friend?” He asked.
“Yeah…” I responded wondering where he was going with this.
“And was that friend, big enough to handle it? You could say anything, and afterwards you were still friends, right?”
My mind went back to Daniel and our little fight… “Of course” I answered.
He went on to explain, “Then don’t you think God is big enough to listen to all you have to say? Don’t you think He can take it?”
My mind went back to the verse that I’ve taught my teen girls often in Psalms 62 that says, “Pour out your heart before him…”
“Yes.” I confirmed. “But I still don’t want to get mad at God.”
“I know,” he answered wisely, “But just so you know… if you ever need to- it’s ok. God can take it. He’s big enough to handle your worst day. He will still love you.”

It wasn’t long after that, that I did indeed get very, very mad. Anger rose up within me like I’d never felt before, and I ran off to the ocean near my house where the waves are wild no one would hear me. Because I felt like my Preacher had given me permission, I began to let it all out. I yelled into those waves. I screamed, I cried, I used words that weren’t very “youth pastor’s wife-ish.” I got mad at God. I told Him all about it. I asked why in the world God would take my Daniel, and demanded what we were doing that was SO WRONG that He had to take Him to heaven. I finished my tantrum, and then I prayed as I always do at the end of my grief sessions, “But God, you know that I trust you. And of course I still love you.” And it was then, that it came to me. “All of me… loves all of you.” A silly song Dan and I heard on a commercial that we would frequently sing to each other. But this time… I sang it to God.

God’s plan, is for Daniel not to be here. I don’t like his plan right now. But I do love Him, and I do trust His heart. I do believe He is good, and that He has a perfect plan for redemption in my life, even through the death of Daniel. I’m sure God didn’t exactly like my screaming fit… and yet- He reminded me, that His love is unconditional, and that He truly does love all of me. What wondrous love is this? Oh my soul, oh my soul.

On good days and bad days alike on my journey this has become my theme:
“All of me, God, you get all of me.”

When I feel like I’m living in a nightmare and wonder what the sense in doing this thing of life really is without Dan, and why it even matters- I remind God that I’m giving Him all of me. And for one more day- and all my days thereafter, I’ll love Him... with all of me.

Worthy

6:33 PM

For more than 3 months now, I have had one question on my mind more than any other.

Of course, I’ve asked “Why?” “Why would God take a young man, who loved Him with all of His heart, who served Him every day, who daily picked up His cross to follow Him, who preached the Word of God, who had a whole life ahead of Him and who could have done so much to further the kingdom of Christ?" But that’s not the question that I’ve asked the most.

The question I’ve struggled with the most is, “What would Daniel say to me, if he knew I was going through this?” “What would he tell me to do?”

Daniel had a bigger than life perspective on everything. He constantly amazed me with his wisdom, his deep knowledge and his walk with the Father. Last year, through one of the toughest trials of my life, he helped me every step of the way. One Sunday, we returned home from church. We were both happy and laughing. As we walked up the stairs and turned to look at our door, it was busted opened and there were hangers scattered. Our home had been robbed. Many, many things had been taken, and more than that- they had gone through all of our personal things as well. Our house was turned upside down that day, and so was my life. But Daniel…. He wasn’t phased at all. He knew I was struggling, so he didn’t say much until the following morning after breakfast at our hotel when I asked, “What in the world do we do?” His response, astounded me. He reminded me of Daniel in the Bible, who not only had everything robbed, but was also taken from his people to a far away land. He was stripped of family, friends, culture, language, everything he had, and forced to live in another country as almost a slave. Daniel told me that our trial would change my life. I could get bitter and upset. Hadn’t we given up enough to come to a foreign third world country? Isn’t it enough that we had given up family and friends, holidays and birthdays, modern conveniences… just to live here? Then, the people we came to give everything to— took it away. I struggled… for months I struggled. But Daniel shared one thing with me that helped me get through it. Daniel suggested that I do what Daniel from the Bible did: that I pray toward Lima three times a day, and beg God to send revival to this country. Daniel lovingly reminded me that the Bible Daniel never forgot where he came from: he prayed three times a day toward Jerusalem. But he didn’t let it affect him negatively. This was what helped me through my last life changing trial… so I suppose it is only natural that I should want to hear exactly what he would tell me as I´m going through this trial.

On Sunday, my Preacher, Dan Hubbard, preached a sermon about not giving up. I sat in silence trying to hide the tears that streamed down my face. Something I did not know previously about grief is that it gets worse as time goes on. I somehow innocently thought that if I could make it through my husband’s funeral and burial service, I could make it. I’m so glad that I had no idea then how hard it would be for me now. I’m so glad I was completely clueless, but at the same time, I feel so very ignorant for not realizing the intense pain that others have suffered for years, without me once even having the slightest idea that a human being could suffer so. Preacher spoke about not giving up on one’s marriage, children, and lastly on God. Toward the end of his sermon, I had my answer to the question I haven’t stopped asking since Daniel’s death. He said something I won’t forget. “Jesus loved you so much that He died for you. He never gave up on you even if it meant death.¨ That was it! That was my answer.

Daniel would tell me ‘Jesus loved you so much that He gave everything He had for you, to the last drop of blood.’ So… what can you, Heather, do for Him? In the midst of my suffering and broken heart, I can give everything I am for Him. Jesus’ life didn’t turn out “pretty” until he rose again. Jesus fought until His death, so I could have eternal life. The least I can do, is serve Him and love Him and live for Him… until I die. No matter how hard, no matter what the pain, no matter how much I may suffer. Jesus did it. He didn’t turn his back on the cup of suffering that God handed Him. His answer was, “Nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.” Luke 22:42

To be human for a moment, I can’t honestly tell you how many times I’ve told God these past few weeks, “This isn’t what I wanted. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. This wasn’t what I wanted with my story.” I’ve struggled. Bitter tears have streamed down my face as I ask Him “Why?” “What did I do that was so wrong that I should deserve to have my dearest person on earth taken away from me?”

And yet, following Jesus’ example means I humbly surrender. I pick up the ugly, splintery cross He has lovingly chosen for me to carry each and every hour of every day, and say, “Ok, Father. Not what I want… but what you do.” Life isn’t all about me, anyways, is it? It’s all about Him. It’s all about Him getting the glory He so rightly deserves.

After all, isn’t He worthy?

“Jesus did the most He could do, He died for me. The least I can do is live for Him.” He never promised the road would be easy. But He did promise He would never leave me, nor forsake me.

Chocolatada in Alto Peru

8:04 PM

We had an awesome day in Alto Peru today! Lots of people gathered for songs, fun, preaching, and a puppet show for the kiddos. We brought some members from our adult choir, as well as our teen choir to sing and help out. All in all, 67 people received Christ as their Savior. We praise God for this awesome opportunity. Of course at the end, we passed out the typical "chocolate caliente" (hot chocolate) and fruit bread they so enjoy around Christmas time. Here are a few pictures of some of the highlights!

Breaking Free

3:39 PM

Last week, I posted on Facebook about Maria. It was her first week to come witnessing with us in Alto Peru. Her excitement for reaching the people there in Alto Peru challenged me immensely, and today I found out a little bit more of why she was so excited to reach the people. Her story touched my heart in such a sweet way that I just have to share!

20 years ago, Maria tells me, she received Christ as her Savior. She mentioned that she always felt like there was a fight in her, and she knew that living a sinful lifestyle was wrong. For years she lived in drugs, alcohol, and making it from "high to high." From what I could tell from her story today, about 8 months ago, one of her children went to Alto Peru and picked her up, and took her out of the city to a more rural area. She had just gone 5 days straight without sleeping due to being so high on drugs. There in the "Provincia" as they call it, she finally was able to break free from the drugs and alcohol. Upon returning to the city of Lima, she began attending a church.

About 2 months ago, a lady named Paula brought her friend Irene to church. Irene, since then has brought many, many family members and friends to our church. Irene has a sweet, outgoing personality, and has fallen in love with our church. Irene, just happens to be Maria's daughter. About a month ago, Irene invited her mom to come to our church, Iglesia Bautista Internacional. Irene told her mom, "Mom! This church is different than any other! I'm starting to fall in love with Jesus all over again! It's the most wonderful experience!" Maria came one Wednesday night to see her granddaughter sing in our children's choir, and has continued coming faithfully.

Today was the second week we took Maria up to Alto Peru. I knew she used to live there, but I didn't realize until today, that every time Maria sees a someone on drugs, someone lying in the streets, someone smoking on the street corner, or someone that's totally hopeless, she remembers that that was her- 8 months ago. No hope, no joy, total dissatisfaction, helplessness; bondage in drugs and alcohol. Today I was walking down the road with her, as she put her arms around another lady named Maria. This Maria is about 4 1/2 feet tall, and a sweet lady. Maria told her that God had completely changed her. She overflows with joy as she tells the people what God has done in her and her family. Then, she introduces me to her friends. "This is my friend Joselyn (Heather)" she'll say, "and she's going to witness to you." Today, Maria listened intently as I thoroughly shared the Gospel with her. When I asked her if she wanted to receive Jesus Christ as her Savior, her answer was, "Of course!"

Walking down the streets with her is amazing! She'll walk up to someone, put her arms around them, and they stare at her in disbelief. "Look at me! I'm changed!" She'll say to them. "God has changed my whole life! I'm healthy and happy, and never known so much joy as I have now." Many will ask her on the streets, "Oh, you found religion?" "No," she'll answer, "I've found Jesus."

Although she hasn't quite learned to share the whole Gospel, she'll tell them what Jesus has done in her. Until today, I did not realize that she almost doesn't have to say anything. Just looking at her, everyone knows that God has done a miracle in her!

Because Maria knows the people and the people know her and where she's come from, it leaves an amazing open door to share the Gospel with the people of Alto Peru. Almost in tears, as she finished telling her story to me today, she said, "This past month, I have grown to see the incredible mercy of God. He is so good! He's done SO much for me and changed my life."

Maria and I

Maria has dreams. She still has one daughter who lives in Alto Peru with her grandchildren. Maria hugs her sweet grandchildren who live in a difficult home situation and tells them how much she loves them. She longs to see her daughter accept Christ so she can know the joy that only God can bring to one's life. Will you pray with me that God will continue to change her family?

Bury My Heart

12:49 PM

If I thought before that I lived in a third world country, I had forgotten. Until I went to Alto Peru last week, that is. We had been told it was a dangerous area of town, but had decided to go up anyways and to go in groups. Thankfully, several people who attend our church regularly had already made friends in this area. So while trying to talk to people there, we could simply ask them if they knew Fivos, Andres, or Patti. When they did, it was almost as if you could visibly see the barrier wall fall down. My Americanized mind almost didn't know what to do when we arrived at the "park": a 10 by 10 ft cement slab in the middle of their area. There were small children everywhere, covered in dirt. Their clothes were messy and worn, and I thought, "This really is the mission field, isn't it?" As I stood there looking around, I saw a mother standing in the doorway of a house nearby and I went over to talk to her. I introduced myself. As I did, I noticed little children running around the room behind her. They were just as dirty as the kids outside. I saw the bare, dirty room, and the completely trashed furniture and wondered how this lady did it. God gave me the wonderful opportunity of leading her to Christ, and I was excited to tell her that we would be coming back to the area each week.

We began walking down the streets. These streets are not perhaps exactly what you would imagine. They were very narrow, actually I don't know if a real car could fit down some of them. They were made of brick. Buildings on both sides of the road were run down, and graffiti was everywhere. We continued walking down the road, meeting people. It's always a big deal when I walk down any street, because I'm a foreigner. People just stopped, starred, and watched us; wondering why we were in their neighborhood. Why were we there? To share Jesus.

One week later, we returned to the same neighborhood in order to start a ministry for teenagers. We once again walked down the same streets, as well as a few new ones- this time more confidently. The people who now knew us greeted us with smiles, happy to see us. We stopped and talked to every person we could, inviting them to church and looking for opportunities to share Christ with them. We also invited the teenagers out to the court to play dodge ball. Around one, we met back at the park, gathered up some teenagers and headed out to the court. Other groups of people met us there, and I was thrilled to see the large group of people who came! It was awesome! We gathered everyone together and our activity began.

Daniel, welcoming the group that came out for the activity.

I think I fell in love with every little child I met... See the little dirt smudges on their faces? I just want to take them home and give them a warm bubble bath and some clean clothes! Several of the children had snot running down their faces, and warts on them. Ah, my heart aches for them. At first I was a little stand off-ish. (Yes, embarressing to admit) but by the end of our short time with them, I was on the ground, hugging and kissing them, rubbing their greasy dirty hair, and letting them give me kisses. The boy on the skateboard in the picture to the left is actually mute. He was adorable communicating with me. He kept pointing and showing me numbers to beg to play the way he wanted.

After the games, Daniel preached to them and shared the gospel. Shortly thereafter, he broke the kids up into groups so we could personally explain the Gospel to them.

At that point, I was over teaching the little kids a made up version of Duck Duck Goose, which I used the two profound Spanish words, "eeee, and Yah" to play. When I heard my name called I walked back over to find all the ladies and girls waiting on me. I quickly jumped into the plan of salvation. The girls listened intently as I shared the most beautiful story ever heard~ about God's amazing love.

As you can see above me, many of our teenage boys are talking one on one or one on three to explain the Gospel to the guys that came.

As we walked away that day, we conversed with our teenagers about all that had happened in just the past several hours. God had once again done a miracle! 27 people in all had received Christ as their personal Savior. I have never seen anything like it! God once again amazed me!

Although we had just been there a few hours and barely met these people, I felt like I was walking away from people who had become very dear to me. I didn't want to say goodbye. A whole week before I could see them again? Are you kidding?

I left a big piece of my heart with them.... Oh, that I might spend and be spent for the cause of Christ.

Alto Peru, Bury my heart...

A Mountaintop Experience

2:13 PM

Recenty, a man with whom my husband did a Bible study several months ago, has started his own Bible study. Several weeks ago, my husband and I had the privilege to attend, and see his study in action! Here is a peek of our experience. Hope you enjoy!

We headed about about 6:30 pm and walked the two blocks to get on the bus to take us over to that part of town. We jumped off, and crossed the street to catch the next bus to head up to San Genaro II, as they call it. Years ago, people with little or no money started building their houses into the mountain, now called San Genaro. (Ok, that's my version... I'm sure there's a much more lengthy and deep history...lol) They have built up so high now, that the highest part of the mountain is called San Genaro II. It's not a very common area of town, so few busses head that way. We waited on the side of the road for a good 15 minutes, and then saw a combie so full of people that we decided to wait for the next. (Combies here are common transportation for everyone. It's a van that they will load up with as many people as possible. As long as you know the route, you can jump on one and get to pretty much anywhere you want to go. At night, and during busy times of the day, they'll pack 30+ people into one van.) The next combie whizzed by around the stop light and we starred in amazement that it didn't even stop! Another one flew by, as my husband started yelling for it, the man who runs it had his head out the door and saw us, but it too was so full I'm sure the driver didn't hear him yell to stop. Finally, we were able to get on another combie and it was less full.

We jumped on the combie, and thankfully there was a seat available. My husband motioned for me to sit down, and he stood up rather hunched over beside me. As we went, many people started boarding. As I mentioned, they never stop loading people into the combies. The more people, the better, because the more money they will make. As the combie filled up to capactiy, we stopped again, and a mother and her two school girls, still in uniform, pushed their way on our combie. I told the older of the two sisters she could sit in my lap. She waited for her mother's approval, (seriously, it's very uncommon to see a white person on a combie, and even more so for them to invite you to sit with them.) Her mother nodded her head, and thanked me for allowing her little girl to sit there. The other sister got as close as she could, and held on tight as the combie drove wrecklessly up the mountain.

I love sitting by the windows on combies, because you never know what you will see! Nearly everyone who lives on the mountain, lives in a small shack, made on top of a concrete slab, with thin wood walls, and tin metal roofs. Many people don't have running water, they wait each day for the water truck to deliver it. They run out to the streets at the appointed time to get their water for the day.

The combie turned and headed straight up the mountain. "Aviso para bajar" yelled the doorman, meaning "Let me know when you want to get out." We passed many people in the streets, walking home in the dark after a hard days work. Many stray dogs ran up and down the streets. At one point, the mountain becomes level for a short bit, and we passed a soccer court. By court, I mean a small slab of dust, and dirt, with two metal goals. No gates or walls guarding the edge, just the edge of the mountain. On went the combie, up and up. I like it when the combie stops, because it means people are getting out and there will be more room to breathe!

About 1/2 way up the mountain the combie stopped. I watched as many people started getting down. "Oh good, I thought, this will make the rest of the ride so much better. I think at least 15 people got off before I heard a little girl say, "Tenemos que caminar tanto??" (We have to walk THAT far?) I looked out my window and felt sorry for her, wondering why they didn't get in the combie and ride it a bit longer. Just then, my husband put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Let's go."

"Where are we going?" I asked. "Why did the combie stop there?" "Are we going to walk all the way to the top?" Questions were running through my head. The combie man explained that tonight, this was as far as they were going.

My husband and I began the walk up the mountain. I have to admit I was a bit scared that night. I grabbed my husband's arm tightly as he lead my way. We hadn't walked far before we realized why the combie couldn't come up the mountain. There were huge holes in the road where they were installing a sewage system. Up till this point, these people simply used outhouses. We kept walking and it wasn't far till I started noticing where we were. We were almost at the top and made the usual turn. It was from here that we usually walked to the study. I felt better now, and saw some kids playing soccer in the road, right in front of their little tienda (store, that was in front of their house. These small stores amaze me. They will put things on shelves all the way up to the ceiling, and sell practically everything a person would need.) We followed the beaten path, walking up first, and around, and then down till we arrived at Bro Rocky's house. We knocked on the small door, and were greeted by a room full of people who had gathered for the Bible study that night. The room can't be any bigger that 8 ft wide, and about 12 feet long. The cement floor was painted red, and the furniture had covers on it to dress the place up a bit. It was a cold winter night, but the room was warm from the people gathered. A young man moved to stand on the other side of the room so I could sit in his seat. Bro Luis bowed his head to pray, and the study began.

Last week, they had 25 people there in attendance. All of their people now attend our church down in town, but soon would like to start a church on top of the mountain, so their neighbors might also come to know Christ. We are excited to see these families who have grown in their faith. Please pray for this little study up on the mountain. We believe God can do great things through this community, and are begging that God will!

Their sign, right outside Rocky's house

Part of the group, gathered inside Rocky's home

Their group! Bro Luis, the man teaching the study, is on the far left.

Pages

Kokubun Konexión

Grief's Three Friends

SO MUCH MORE

One Lime

Make my Refuge

Come Home Full

Trust His Heart

For Better, For Worse

All of me

Worthy

Chocolatada in Alto Peru

Breaking Free

Bury My Heart

A Mountaintop Experience

FLOW: Living the Dream

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