Kokubun Konexión: September 2012

Our First Year of Marriage

8:26 PM

Dear Reader,
I've debated for quite some time now about posting this as a Blog. I originally wrote it for my personal use... but after some consideration I've decided that if it helps even one person through their first year of marriage it will have been worth posting. I do realize that this article is quite transparent. But I think it's time we be honest about a few things. I had people tell me before I got married that marriage was like a fairy tale, and others who said, "Don't worry hun, you'll get used to it after a while." So what is marriage really? Sometimes, I think it's a battlefield. A fight to love the person you married with everything in you. Yes, some days it's easy, very easy. But other days... yes, it's a fight. I hope this is a blessing to someone, and that perhaps it'll give a boost to at least one marriage out there. Thanks for reading!
Love,
Heather
PS. This is in no way an exhaustive list. I'm confident that each and every marriage faces different problems, and some of these may not apply to you. Every person's story is different. These are just 10 important things I learned our first year of marriage.

1. Never EVER offer unrequested suggestions. Offering suggestions in a man's eyes can be very offensive, because he feels like you are telling him what to do. Although you may have to suffer the consequences alongside your man, it's never worth offering him a suggestion. Only sit quietly until he has figured out his own solution.

2. Always tell him exactly how you are doing. Guys hate having to guess how you are really doing. They don't want to ask you 15 times if you are ok, before getting the real answer. If they ask once, and you tell them you are doing fine, don't be offended when they easily move on as if nothing has happened. If you want their sympathy or shoulder to cry on, be honest and tell them the first time. They love to help, but need to be told that you need help. On the other hand, if you sense that he is having a rough day, he will usually tell you the first time. Don't ask him 15 times if he is okay. (I have worked lots with girls, and this technique always worked. When I got married, I tried asking several times if he was ok... He couldn't believe I didn't believe him! He told me when he told me once, that was all. He wouldn't make me guess if he was ok... he also asked me to be more honest with him when I wasn't .)

3. A man is never, ever lost. As a lady, you must remember this! If it ever appears that you both might be lost, refrain from using the "L" word. He will find a way eventually, and you'll be much the happier if you avoid mentioning or (worse) telling him you are lost.

4. Always be quick to forgive. Living with any one person for any amount of time, you will run into difficult times. Remember that you married your best friend (I hope you did ;)) and that the two of you are on the same team. When Daniel and I have "discussions" we often remind ourselves in the middle, "I am on your team." Once we both remember that fact, the issue can usually be fairly easily resolved and we can move on to making up and making out ;)

5. Marriage is a battlefield. My entire single life, I heard one of two extremes: Marriage is like a fairytale or Marriage stinks- so get used to it. I would like to beg to differ. Marriage on some days has definitely felt like my own fairy tale. Some days, I'll look at my love with the cheesiest grin on my face and think, "Could anything in this world possibly be better?" and I'm thoroughly convinced NO. On other days however, I have learned that marriage is something you have to fight for. I don't mean this in an ugly way. Remember in single life, you were constantly fighting your flesh and lustful desires? It's the same way in marriage. If Satan could, He'd destroy your marriage in a heartbeat. If he could destroy your marriage, he'd destroy both of your purpose for life. So why wouldn't he? Satan hates marriage because it is a picture of Christ's love for His bride. When then, would he want you to look like the happiest married person on the planet? Uhh... Never! Some days, you will feel like you have to "work" on loving that dear person you married. No, there's nothing wrong with you. Everyone who wants to get good at something has to practice. Most people, for instance, who play the piano, have played for years and years. They've practiced for hours and hours and hours daily. You'll have to do the same to have a great marriage. Don't lose heart! Practicing to have the best marriage has many rewards! :)

6. Kill Expectations... ok seriously, everyone has expectations! But expectations without expression can get you into lots of trouble. Expectations unexpressed can be one of your worst enemies. They are DEADLY, and will only create disappointment in your life and heart. Prov. 13:12- "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick." Oh and let me tell you... it DOES! One day when I had high hopes that my husband would do something for me, I had a thought. How unfair is it, for a person to make up a list in their mind of something or some things they would like and wish and wait for them? The other person has had absolutely no idea on earth that the one was waiting for something... and is about to be very disappointed!

Picture this! My husband is gone working all day long. All day long he dreams up a big plot in his mind about how much he wants to eat fried chicken for dinner, with mashed potatoes, green beans, homemade rolls, and sweet tea- yet never mentions this to me. I work all day preparing a brand new Chinese recipe for him, and have the table set and ready for when he walks in the door. He walks in the door, I welcome him with a sweet kiss, and as soon as he sees the chinese food he breaks down into tears because I did not serve his beloved fried chicken.

Now, hopefully all of you can tell this is a ridiculous and made up story, but I can't deny that I haven't broken into tears at different times because of expectations I had, yet never made known. My husband is the sweetest man ever, and I'm sure if he knew what I wanted he would do everything in his power to make it happen... but I never thought to tell him what I would like. Avoiding expectations will in the end be like avoiding broken-heartedness. It's a definite must for a fantastic marriage.

7. Honestly is always best! This has been my husband's policy since the day we met. He used to say, "I'm a huge honesty fan." He's never wanted me to be anything other than completely honest with him. I can't begin to mention how much this has helped in our discussions. When we don't agree on something, or when one of us is upset about something, we will talk about it all the way through. Yes, sometimes saying the complete truth is difficult, but it's always worth it. Trust me, when you're at the end of your disagreement, and you've both been completelyhonest, it's the best feeling in the world. Hiding things will only complicate your relationship.

8. Communication, Communication, communication! I once heard a very wise quote that went something like this, "Don't talk to talk, talk until you know you are understood." I can't say how many times I have been talking to Daniel and we both think we understand, but neither of us really does. I'm actually about to look for another book on communication... because I still don't feel like I have the slightest clue about how to communicate, except to say, "Talk until you are understood." Repeat back what you believe the other person is saying to you until you both are in agreement. This will save you from so much frustration, and many tearful arguments. (Trust me, I know....;))

9. A Space of Grace- This is another thing my husband taught me. I can't take a bit of credit for it! But it goes like this... We all have tough days. Every once in a while, you'll have a bad day. So when one of you is having a bad day, you give them a space of grace. Give them room to be themselves, and make a mistake or two without biting their head off. We all need moments of grace, so give a little bit more grace.

10. Love unconditionally. This kind-of goes along with number 9. But if anything is needed in marriage, it's love! On the good days, Love! On the bad days, Love! Let all things be done in love!

Thoughts From a Wife's Heart

9:35 AM

Almost two and a half months have passed since we first moved to Peru. Moving is never easy...But God never promised life would be easy. He promised He would never leave us, and that means more to me than anything else could. Yes, we've had our trying moments. We've had frustrating moments. We've had sad moments. I won't lie and say I've never cried myself to sleep at night. I think every person hits those tough times, especially being so far away from loved ones. But the joys God has given us, make every hard day worth it.
How can I begin to describe how awesome it is, to have new believers in your home studying the Word of God with you? How amazing is it to be able to see first hand the scales fall off their eyes as they see and understand the truth? Is there anything as priceless as to watching them realize the truth, and the truth set them free?
Being in Peru these past months have been for me, one of the ultimate highlights of my life. I feel like I was born for this!
There is nothing like seeing people get saved! Since we've come here, in nearly every service we've seen people get saved. There's nothing like the excitement of someone who gets saved and brings back another person to the next service so they can get saved. Our people know now that if they bring someone to church, we will share the Gospel with them. They love that!
There is nothing like seeing new believers grow in the faith. Sometimes the questions they ask are tough! I look at my husband and wonder how he's going to explain that particular truth to them. He patiently takes them to scripture and shows them why we believe what we believe.
The other night, my husband taught our Bible study on prayer. He literally got to teach them how to pray. They have really not ever embarked on the journey of prayer before. They are used to reciting the vain rituals in church, and confessing to a man. I thought it was so cool last night when they were telling Daniel about how they had started praying for their food. "It's good to thank God for your food every time you eat, isn't it?" "Yes" my husband would answer. Then he explained to them why we pray before we eat. "Because Jesus, before he broke the bread with his disciples looked up into heaven and thanked God for it. We follow Jesus' model of praying." "Oh, they would say." Then Anita would tell my husband how she prayed for her little boy before he went to school each morning. "I pray, God bless his lunch, and thank you for life and for breath that you give us.... Is that ok?" She would ask. "Yes, of course." My husband explained. "God wants to hear from you all day long."
It's moments like these that I think... Man! Look at what we get the privilege of doing! Seeing their zeal, and their fresh eagerness for God puts an incredible excitement in my heart to go and tell others about Jesus, so that they too can know the truth.
Sometimes people ask me how I'm doing. Sometimes I think people feel sorry for me, because I'm "on the mission field." Please, don't feel sorry for me! Yes, we do need your prayers, but I must confess, I LOVE my life! I have a beautiful home, an ocean in my back yard (now you know I'm spoiled!) a wonderful (and very handsome) husband, a great church, and an Almighty God. Life just doesn't get any better than this!

The Second Time

1:13 PM

Last night, I sat contentedly by my husband at church. I noticed a visitor, who walked in and sat nearby during our service. Through the welcome time, I found out his name was Guillermo.

Preacher stood behind the pulpit and read with us the passage of scripture he would preach from that night. When Preacher bowed his head, I walked to the front of the church to sing with my trio. We were singing, "Sinner Saved by Grace." The words of our song seemed perfect for this particular Sunday. The leader of our group had done an excellent job picking it out.

You see, the people who we work with come from lives and religions where they believe you must work for your salvation. Just believing and receiving God's free gift is ALL it takes. They have come to realize this now, and it tells their story in a beautiful way.

Take a moment, and read the beautiful words of this song:

If you could see what I once was, If you could go with me,
Back to where I started from, I know you would see.
A miracle of love that took me in its' sweet embrace,
and made me what I am today, a sinner saved by grace.

I'm just a sinner,saved by grace.
When I stood condemned to death,
he took my place.
Now I live and breathe in freedom,
with each breath of life I take,
I'm loved and forgiven, back with the living,

I'm just a sinner saved by grace.

How could I boast of anything, I've ever seen or done?
How I could I dare to claim as mine the victories God has won?
Where would I be had God not brought me gently to this place?
I'm here to say, I'm nothing but a sinner saved by grace.

At the end of our service, as is our custom, Preacher asked if there was anyone who didn't know they would spend eternity in heaven. Guillermo raised his hand. A man in our church had the privilege to lead him to Christ during our invitation. Just as Guillermo was accepting Christ, Preacher asked our trio to come back and sing the song once more to close out our service. We walked up to the front and began to sing.

The second time we sang our special, Guillermo sat in the back of the room with tears flowing down his face. He had walked in a sinner, and would now leave a sinner ~saved by grace~.

The second time he heard the song, it had a completely different meaning for his life.

The second time, he knew he was loved and forgiven by an Almighty God.

The second time, he realized he could live in *complete* freedom because now he was saved by grace.

The second time made all the difference.

Como Ningun Otro Lugar

11:45 AM

"They have our DIP!" I exclaimed, super shocked that the Chili's in Peru had the exact same queso/chili dip my husband and I love from the States. I was speechless! What tastes more like home than chips and dip? And it was made exactly the way they make it in the states! It tasted identical! (Now that's unheard of! Everything I make here tastes at least slightly different.) My husband and I each grabbed a chip and dug in! Yum!

It was our 1st wedding anniversary, and we spent it out on the town. Nothing like exploring a huge city in a third world country. You seriously never know what you might see. It adds much excitement to our lives!

Celebrating by eating lunch at Chili's was a great idea! We loved it! As we were sitting there, we started looking back over the past year of our lives together, and the years before then. We started talking about how good God had been to both of us. We talked about the flow of our lives, and how God brought us together at just the right time, and in just the right way. It was crazy to think that a year ago we were saying our vows, giving away our first kiss, and going on our honeymoon in the good old USA. Our first year was a year unlike either of us had probably ever imagined.

What would have happened, if one of us had chosen to go another way than the Lord was guiding? What would we have missed, if one of us had chosen to do our own thing? It would have only taken one decision for either one of us, and we would have gone a down a completely different path. Perhaps we might never have even met. What if? What if one of the times that Dan or I didn't understand what God was doing we gave up and quit on God. Can you imagine everything we would have missed?

We both sat there smiling thinking about God's will. It was perfect! Sometimes we might not have understood it, it might not have always been what we "wanted" to do. But at that moment, looking back, we both were able to see that there's no place like being in God's will.

Just then, I noticed the sign that filled the wall I was facing right there in the restaurant. The wall is the picture I used above, "Como ningun otro lugar." In English it means, "Like no other place." There is truly no other place like the will of God. I wouldn't dream of doing anything else or living anywhere else. Lima, Peru is God's perfect will for us. God's perfect will - there's just no place like it!

Ceviche!

9:23 AM

Ceviche: A delightful dish Peruvians have made famous! Ceviche can be made from many different kinds of fish, in which the fish isn't cooked in the way we think of a fish being cooked. It's actually soaked in lime juices and other seasonings which gives it it's unique yet delicious flavor. Neither my husband or I have ever been very big seafood fans, but our new Peruvian friends insisted on making this national food for us. I'm SO glad they did! Daniel and I both loved the dish! The way Anita prepared it, you couldn't even taste a "fishy" taste.