Dear Reader,
I've debated for quite some time now about posting this as a Blog. I originally wrote it for my personal use... but after some consideration I've decided that if it helps even one person through their first year of marriage it will have been worth posting. I do realize that this article is quite transparent. But I think it's time we be honest about a few things. I had people tell me before I got married that marriage was like a fairy tale, and others who said, "Don't worry hun, you'll get used to it after a while." So what is marriage really? Sometimes, I think it's a battlefield. A fight to love the person you married with everything in you. Yes, some days it's easy, very easy. But other days... yes, it's a fight. I hope this is a blessing to someone, and that perhaps it'll give a boost to at least one marriage out there. Thanks for reading!
Love,
Heather
PS. This is in no way an exhaustive list. I'm confident that each and every marriage faces different problems, and some of these may not apply to you. Every person's story is different. These are just 10 important things I learned our first year of marriage.
1. Never EVER offer unrequested suggestions. Offering suggestions in a man's eyes can be very offensive, because he feels like you are telling him what to do. Although you may have to suffer the consequences alongside your man, it's never worth offering him a suggestion. Only sit quietly until he has figured out his own solution.
2. Always tell him exactly how you are doing. Guys hate having to guess how you are really doing. They don't want to ask you 15 times if you are ok, before getting the real answer. If they ask once, and you tell them you are doing fine, don't be offended when they easily move on as if nothing has happened. If you want their sympathy or shoulder to cry on, be honest and tell them the first time. They love to help, but need to be told that you need help. On the other hand, if you sense that he is having a rough day, he will usually tell you the first time. Don't ask him 15 times if he is okay. (I have worked lots with girls, and this technique always worked. When I got married, I tried asking several times if he was ok... He couldn't believe I didn't believe him! He told me when he told me once, that was all. He wouldn't make me guess if he was ok... he also asked me to be more honest with him when I wasn't .)
3. A man is never, ever lost. As a lady, you must remember this! If it ever appears that you both might be lost, refrain from using the "L" word. He will find a way eventually, and you'll be much the happier if you avoid mentioning or (worse) telling him you are lost.
4. Always be quick to forgive. Living with any one person for any amount of time, you will run into difficult times. Remember that you married your best friend (I hope you did ;)) and that the two of you are on the same team. When Daniel and I have "discussions" we often remind ourselves in the middle, "I am on your team." Once we both remember that fact, the issue can usually be fairly easily resolved and we can move on to making up and making out ;)
5. Marriage is a battlefield. My entire single life, I heard one of two extremes: Marriage is like a fairytale or Marriage stinks- so get used to it. I would like to beg to differ. Marriage on some days has definitely felt like my own fairy tale. Some days, I'll look at my love with the cheesiest grin on my face and think, "Could anything in this world possibly be better?" and I'm thoroughly convinced NO. On other days however, I have learned that marriage is something you have to fight for. I don't mean this in an ugly way. Remember in single life, you were constantly fighting your flesh and lustful desires? It's the same way in marriage. If Satan could, He'd destroy your marriage in a heartbeat. If he could destroy your marriage, he'd destroy both of your purpose for life. So why wouldn't he? Satan hates marriage because it is a picture of Christ's love for His bride. When then, would he want you to look like the happiest married person on the planet? Uhh... Never! Some days, you will feel like you have to "work" on loving that dear person you married. No, there's nothing wrong with you. Everyone who wants to get good at something has to practice. Most people, for instance, who play the piano, have played for years and years. They've practiced for hours and hours and hours daily. You'll have to do the same to have a great marriage. Don't lose heart! Practicing to have the best marriage has many rewards! :)
6. Kill Expectations... ok seriously, everyone has expectations! But expectations without expression can get you into lots of trouble. Expectations unexpressed can be one of your worst enemies. They are DEADLY, and will only create disappointment in your life and heart. Prov. 13:12- "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick." Oh and let me tell you... it DOES! One day when I had high hopes that my husband would do something for me, I had a thought. How unfair is it, for a person to make up a list in their mind of something or some things they would like and wish and wait for them? The other person has had absolutely no idea on earth that the one was waiting for something... and is about to be very disappointed!
Picture this! My husband is gone working all day long. All day long he dreams up a big plot in his mind about how much he wants to eat fried chicken for dinner, with mashed potatoes, green beans, homemade rolls, and sweet tea- yet never mentions this to me. I work all day preparing a brand new Chinese recipe for him, and have the table set and ready for when he walks in the door. He walks in the door, I welcome him with a sweet kiss, and as soon as he sees the chinese food he breaks down into tears because I did not serve his beloved fried chicken.
Now, hopefully all of you can tell this is a ridiculous and made up story, but I can't deny that I haven't broken into tears at different times because of expectations I had, yet never made known. My husband is the sweetest man ever, and I'm sure if he knew what I wanted he would do everything in his power to make it happen... but I never thought to tell him what I would like. Avoiding expectations will in the end be like avoiding broken-heartedness. It's a definite must for a fantastic marriage.
7. Honestly is always best! This has been my husband's policy since the day we met. He used to say, "I'm a huge honesty fan." He's never wanted me to be anything other than completely honest with him. I can't begin to mention how much this has helped in our discussions. When we don't agree on something, or when one of us is upset about something, we will talk about it all the way through. Yes, sometimes saying the complete truth is difficult, but it's always worth it. Trust me, when you're at the end of your disagreement, and you've both been completelyhonest, it's the best feeling in the world. Hiding things will only complicate your relationship.
8. Communication, Communication, communication! I once heard a very wise quote that went something like this, "Don't talk to talk, talk until you know you are understood." I can't say how many times I have been talking to Daniel and we both think we understand, but neither of us really does. I'm actually about to look for another book on communication... because I still don't feel like I have the slightest clue about how to communicate, except to say, "Talk until you are understood." Repeat back what you believe the other person is saying to you until you both are in agreement. This will save you from so much frustration, and many tearful arguments. (Trust me, I know....;))
9. A Space of Grace- This is another thing my husband taught me. I can't take a bit of credit for it! But it goes like this... We all have tough days. Every once in a while, you'll have a bad day. So when one of you is having a bad day, you give them a space of grace. Give them room to be themselves, and make a mistake or two without biting their head off. We all need moments of grace, so give a little bit more grace.
10. Love unconditionally. This kind-of goes along with number 9. But if anything is needed in marriage, it's love! On the good days, Love! On the bad days, Love! Let all things be done in love!
