You know how when you first get married, there’s a big joke about when you’re going to have your first fight? Dan and I used to constantly mess around and joke about what our first fight would be about. What petty, stupid thing would have the honor of being the contingency for our first fight?
I don’t remember if when we ever had our “first fight” but I do remember one fight. I’m not exactly sure what horrible crime my husband had committed. (Did I really just say that? I'm sure I was the culprit!) But I do remember that night I dished it out to him. Talk about jerk with a capital J. I let him have it. We had established a rule that we wouldn’t go to sleep upset at each other. So… late that night, I finally came to my senses and apologized to him. I will never forget how he treated me that night. It had been all my fault- I was a total jerk, and yet at the moment that I said, “Babe, I’m so sorry.”
He quietly whispered, “Hun, it’s ok. I forgive you.” And he meant it. He went on to explain to me in the most loving way, “Babe, I didn’t marry you because of what you could do for me. I didn’t marry you for every good characteristic you have. I married you for all of you.” I looked at him totally puzzled. “All of me?” I asked. “Even my jerk side? You’re crazy.” I probably told him. (Hey, I believe in being blunt and real ;)) Then I asked, “Why in the world would you want to love all of me? I can be such a jerk sometimes. I fail often! I try hard… but seriously, parts of my soul are downright ugly and awful.”
He kindly responded, “I know. But I love all of you. Every part of who you are.”
I’ll never forget that conversation… or a note Daniel wrote me later, that he ended with “All of who I am, Daniel.”
About three months into my grief, my Pastor was counselling me. He must have sensed that my grief was reaching a certain stage because he told me, “You know, Heather, it’s ok for you to get mad at God.”
I was totally confused, trying to process in my mind how it would be ok to get mad at the one who loved me SO much, and had given His very all for me. “But God,” I told him through tears, “God doesn’t deserve me to get mad at Him. He didn’t do anything wrong. It’s all apart of His perfect plan. Who I am to get upset with God?¨
“Did you ever fight with a really good friend?” He asked.
“Yeah…” I responded wondering where he was going with this.
“And was that friend, big enough to handle it? You could say anything, and afterwards you were still friends, right?”
My mind went back to Daniel and our little fight… “Of course” I answered.
He went on to explain, “Then don’t you think God is big enough to listen to all you have to say? Don’t you think He can take it?”
My mind went back to the verse that I’ve taught my teen girls often in Psalms 62 that says, “Pour out your heart before him…”
“Yes.” I confirmed. “But I still don’t want to get mad at God.”
“I know,” he answered wisely, “But just so you know… if you ever need to- it’s ok. God can take it. He’s big enough to handle your worst day. He will still love you.”
It wasn’t long after that, that I did indeed get very, very mad. Anger rose up within me like I’d never felt before, and I ran off to the ocean near my house where the waves are wild no one would hear me. Because I felt like my Preacher had given me permission, I began to let it all out. I yelled into those waves. I screamed, I cried, I used words that weren’t very “youth pastor’s wife-ish.” I got mad at God. I told Him all about it. I asked why in the world God would take my Daniel, and demanded what we were doing that was SO WRONG that He had to take Him to heaven. I finished my tantrum, and then I prayed as I always do at the end of my grief sessions, “But God, you know that I trust you. And of course I still love you.” And it was then, that it came to me. “All of me… loves all of you.” A silly song Dan and I heard on a commercial that we would frequently sing to each other. But this time… I sang it to God.
God’s plan, is for Daniel not to be here. I don’t like his plan right now. But I do love Him, and I do trust His heart. I do believe He is good, and that He has a perfect plan for redemption in my life, even through the death of Daniel. I’m sure God didn’t exactly like my screaming fit… and yet- He reminded me, that His love is unconditional, and that He truly does love all of me. What wondrous love is this? Oh my soul, oh my soul.
On good days and bad days alike on my journey this has become my theme:
“All of me, God, you get all of me.”
When I feel like I’m living in a nightmare and wonder what the sense in doing this thing of life really is without Dan, and why it even matters- I remind God that I’m giving Him all of me. And for one more day- and all my days thereafter, I’ll love Him... with all of me.
