These two... I wanted to take them home, give them baths, a hot plate of food and new clothes. Jefferson was so talkative and "wanted to tell me everything he knew and assured me he knew right where our church was -- because he lives just near there, right up the mountain". And while I joy in sharing Christ's unending love for them and the normal "get out of jail" free kind of a salvation plan, inwardly; I desperately want something so much more for them and every other person. My heart breaks and I want to break more, do more, be more, change more... for them and so many others.
I plead at the altar early Sunday morning in tears that He might show up today in His temple we call church. "God, make this more than just a social club." I beg. "Make this more than a 'you can go to heaven instead of hell' 'come hear the white man speak' kind of a shallow social club meeting."
If they could just see and know that God is infinitely SO much bigger and better than just the promise of eternal life. Life's not only about the initial and principal decision of 'receive Him as Savior', although that's the perfect place to start.
If they could just begin to understand that life is so much more than a dreaded routine we're somehow forced to breathe into, walk into, work into, die into...
If they could just get it- that He is so much more wonderful and sufficient than anything earthly they could ever want to have or begin to imagine.
If they could just see that He's real and believe He loves them. That anything they need God to be, He can be that for them. He IS, the great I AM.
If they could only see that coming to the end of yourself is just the beginning of knowing Christ. One would never hand pick suffering. One wouldn't wish it on anyone, would never ask for it, would never want it, never, ever. One would never want anyone to have to go through suffering. Very few will ever know or understand, but this hand picked suffering in my life from my ever-loving Savior is what has begun to open my eyes to His wonder.
Coming to the end of one's self time and time again means coming to the beginning of seeing Christ time and time again. Tears flood my eyes as gratitude floods my heart as I see Him as everything I've ever needed Him to be. Every single time, every single day, every single void, every single pain.... each one, that I choose to take to His hand, He graciously accepts and shows me that He's there. I believe pain can be a gift, a desperately hard gift to receive, yet if received --- the deepest blessing. Suffering sometimes still scares me. Suffering brings emotions and anger, hurt and pain, the likes I'd never felt before. I wonder how deep it can possibly go... and "God, don't you know my heart's already been ground to powder? How can I break again?"
Coming to the end of one's self time and time again means coming to the beginning of seeing Christ time and time again. Tears flood my eyes as gratitude floods my heart as I see Him as everything I've ever needed Him to be. Every single time, every single day, every single void, every single pain.... each one, that I choose to take to His hand, He graciously accepts and shows me that He's there. I believe pain can be a gift, a desperately hard gift to receive, yet if received --- the deepest blessing. Suffering sometimes still scares me. Suffering brings emotions and anger, hurt and pain, the likes I'd never felt before. I wonder how deep it can possibly go... and "God, don't you know my heart's already been ground to powder? How can I break again?"
But the deeper my suffering, the deeper my admiration for His. The further I go down this unwanted and undesired path, the closer I find Him to be to my broken-to-shreds heart.
I speak to Him as I never have before--- a whisper and He's there. Sharp pain shoots through, yet there- in that same deep there place in my heart is His tender touch that healeth the deepest wounds.
Who am I, that He should love me? That He should come to bear my cross? What? My cross? I lose sight of my cross when I instead choose to fix my eyes on His. His cross? What pain, what suffering, what love. Mine? Ha, can I even say I have a cross in light of His?
If only these people, could know- that He is so much more than a huge God-like figure out in space who somehow distantly made the world. He's an intimate Friend, Lover of my soul, Provider, Giver of every good thing, Filler of every void, Satisfier of every longing.
And now, perhaps you can see my struggle on the streets of Lima...
Dearest soul who doesn't yet know Him:"I can't begin to tell you what you're about to get into... but I can tell you this. It'll be the best thing that will ever happen to you--- and it is just the beginning. He is more... so much more. He is worth it, and so much more than worth it. I wouldn't have picked suffering, but now I wouldn't let you take it away for anything in the world. Because knowing Him like this, is literally the best thing that has ever happened to me. It's indescribable, just knowing that HE IS."
And until all do know Him, may we lift high His cross. Because He truly, and He alone, is so much more.
