Your Story for His Glory

11:47 AM




We stop and scream, "Anything but this!  Anything but this mire, this fire."  Everything within wants to fight as we face the fierce.

We plead, "God, you couldn’t have picked a different trial?"
We accuse,  "You couldn’t have chosen to ‘mess’ up someone else’s world instead?"
We beg, "Not this! Anything but this letter of divorce, this death of a loved one, this abuse in marriage, these children left abandoned…"

And yet suffering is all around us.  We see it perhaps daily or even many, many times a day.  Why God?  Why would you allow such ugly anguish in our lives?  Most days, don't we just want to live in peace and enjoy life?  Isn’t our tendency to simply long for the easy and if we're really honest… live happily ever after?
But God has chosen some to suffer.  He clearly states in Philippians 1:29, ¨For unto you it is given in the behalf of Christ, not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for his sake.¨

What interesting wording: it is given.  Suffering is given as a gift?  Suffer for his sake?  Can I take a 'get out of jail free card' on that one, please?  Can’t God call someone else to suffer?

What if we take a step back and see that maybe, just maybe —- this fire, this hot, helpless place was handpicked for us? How can this be? Can the master Author write not only for His glory, but also for my story?
Much easier to believe in the heat of the fire that the author simply doesn’t care about the character...We logic 'It’s His story, He can do whatever He wants to. The character must simply surrender, submit, and shut up - like it or not.'  As much as we might be tempted to believe in those moments that maybe life has nothing to do with us or our happiness, truth tells us that He writes for our story as well as His glory.

2 Cor. 4:15 - For all things are for your sakes, that the abundant grace might through the thanksgiving of many redound to the glory of God. 

It says it— right there: ¨for your sakes.¨ So all things are indeed for your story and His glory.  What a beautiful blend!

He is the master author and has the steady skill of scripting my story to bring about His glory. Is the painful fire for our good? Could it be that not only is God for us, cheering us on- but that fire, that hot helpless place, is also FOR me? (Romans 8:28)

Robert Hawker says, ¨Reader do not forget this - a child of God must be ultimately a gainer by every affliction, when sanctified.¨

A gainer?  How could we possibly be a 'gainer' through suffering? Is that not why James says to ¨Count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations… knowing this that the trying of your faith (The trials) produceth patience?  And when we allow patience (waiting on God, complete submission to His plan) to have her perfect work (the process we endure while waiting upon God) we may be… perfect and entire wanting (lacking) nothing. Doesn’t this sound like sanctification? As in Phillippians 1:6 that says "He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." 

Perhaps we really could joy in the trials if we choose to see the trials as gifts of God to form us into the people He is creating us to be.

Can we see every affliction, trial, pain, or hurt as a gift from our ever-loving Father?  Every dark night, every moment in silence, every tear is not in vain.  It is for us, for our good, and for His glory.  Because after all, He is the God that turns ashes into beauty, gives the oil of joy for mourning and clothes us with the garment of praise instead of the spirit of heaviness.  

What if instead of running from our trials we learned to embrace them as part of God’s hand-picked love stories for our lives?

Cookie Cutter Perfect

10:22 AM




The longer I live, the more I'm convinced that God gave me the best mom in the whole world.  She was seriously the coolest person ever, and was always looking for ways to make our lives fun.  Every single Christmas and Thanksgiving she would pull out the cookie cutters and make tons and tons of sugar cookie dough so we could make bunches of cookies.  She was always looking for occasions to celebrate, and I think we had cookie cutters for every season of the year, actually.

Making perfect cookies can be hard.  You have to have just the right amount of dough, a perfectly floured surface, get the dough to the perfect thickness and then press down.  Just as soon as you make a perfect cookie, your brother reaches over to squash it, and in tears you have to start all over again.

I know it's a rather pathetic comparison, but maybe it's not such a stretch of the imagination to think that God at times takes our cookie cutter plans in life... and crushes them?  In tears and confusion, we look up and begin to question.  But God?  Why???

When God takes our fairy tale story or cookie cutter plans and seemingly destroys them, we have to ask one question:

How much are we willing to let go and let God have HIS way?  Our joy in life from that moment rests on the extent to which we can surrender to His will.  How much can we let go of our pre-determined plans, our "expectations" of what we thought life 'should be like' and accept the rest of His hand written story.  Until we are willing to let go of our preconceived notions of 'what should have been' we cannot hold out empty hands to God and openly receive what He knows really 'should have been'. 
Many people get bitter or stuck right at this point in their lives.  Instead of getting better and letting God break them in order to create a better, more useful vessel; they get bitter, stubborn or proud, and as a result God can no longer use them.  How tragic!

We often forget Jeremiah 10:23, "O Lord, I know that the way of man is not in himself: it is not in man that walketh to direct his steps."

Somehow we think that the American dream gives us license to pick and choose what we will do with our lives.  We truly come to the place where we believe that God somehow "owes it to us".  Like we should get to decide how we live, what occupation we like, and what to spend our time doing.  What does the Bible say about this philosophy?
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says,  "What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's."


We somehow feel like we have the right to live our lives exactly how we want to, instead of living in humble surrender to God.  Proverbs 16:9 says, "A man's heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps."

Are we really letting God direct our steps?  Are we fully surrendered to HIS plan?  Or do we keep struggling, trying to push our own agenda?

In the last two years, I've lost two of the most influential men in my life.  Losing the first, was definitely the hardest thing I've ever been through.  Though I don't like admitting it, I know that losing the first was God's way of preparing me to help lead and guide a whole church through losing their man of God.  Has it been easy?  Absolutely not.  Not in the slightest way.  Watching them walk through this valley has been incredibly taxing on this girl's heart as it's broken yet again into a million tiny pieces.

I know and understand that I could not find happiness or contentment when I looked at what God had seemingly taken from me.  I felt crushed, hurt, confused.  Why would God let this happen?  I know that each one of our members feels the same way.  At their core, they all ask the same questions that I did when I lost my man.  I ask the same questions they do, over and over in my mind, and yet I know the answer.  The answer is, "How much am I willing to surrender my cookie cutter plans of how I think life is supposed to be, and instead hold open my hands to accept the life God has for me?"  
"How much can I let go of my preconceived ideas of perfectionism in my story to receive His perfect plan?"
Death to self is a daily decision.  But sometimes it's even more fresh than that.  It's a million deaths to self.  It's a million deaths to what I want in order to say yes to HIS best, even when I don't understand how or why this could be his best.  Does that make sense?  I hope you can get this.  It's truly changed my life.

So now, instead of holding my cookie cutter and begging God to place the perfect amount of dough inside it,  I ask myself perhaps a thousand times a day, "How much can you let go?"  "How much can you surrender to His way, His plan?"  

Is it ever easy, Heather?  Haha, no.  Never.  But God never called us to easy, did He?  He's looking for warriors.  Warriors who are willing to do His will, no matter what the cost.  Tears flow, knees bend, and I fall flat on my face in surrender to His will.

Will you give Him your cookie cutter? 

Cold Oats

9:10 AM


I stare at my cold bowl of oatmeal sitting on my office desk and realize it’s 12:20pm, and I still haven’t had a chance to finish my breakfast.  I laugh inwardly as I remember a conversation I had earlier in the week with a young mom who asks me, “So just what do you do in the office?”
I wanted to sarcastically comment, “Oh, nothing I guess….  I just sit and wait for the phone to ring.”  As if being in the ministry is really just sitting around, not doing anything much at all.  


“Oh, so you’re a missionary.”  I can just hear it coming… another glances at me puzzled over what in the world keeps me so busy... But what could you possibly to do to fill up that many hours in your day?  I mean you're a girl...  You don’t even preach, right? 

Do you ever feel misunderstood?  Like no one else out there really gets it?  Or understands what you’re going through? 

Do you ever feel judged? As if you can do nothing right?  As if even if you did, you’d still be condemned and doing something wrong?  

I’m often reminded that Satan is the great accuser.  His ways are guilt, condemnation, frustration, pain, doubt.  “You’ll never be good enough.”  “You can’t make that much of a difference.”  “What talents do you have to offer?”  

At times, people are quick enough to judge, and through their judging, we feel condemned.  Accused, condemned, guilty.... But why God?  I’m just trying to serve you!

I heard a sermon the other day... that the majority of us will live the most of our lives being or feeling misunderstood.  That didn't set well with me.  I'm Heather: the people pleaser.  I want everyone to be happy with me, my life and work.  I want to bring a smile to every single face I possibly can.  If someone’s not pleased, then maybe I did something wrong, right?  And I quickly analyze my life to see what I did wrong. 

Recently, one of my counselors bluntly told me, "Heather, you've got to stop.  You cannot please both men and God.  The Bible says it's impossible, so quit trying."  

One day, we'll all stand before the throne of God and give account.  Account for all we did, account for every way we spent our time, account for all we did or chose not to, gave or chose not to give, told or chose not to tell.  I'm learning that being understood or praised, misunderstood or criticized, I must live for one thing, and one thing only.  

Live, for the audience of ONE.  We don't have enough time to worry about what everyone else thinks about us.  Shouldn't just knowing that He approves be our enough? What’s my greatest motivation?  Knowing that someday I’ll face the Lover and Creator of my soul.  You know how you can walk into a room and if you get the “head nod” then that’s all the greeting you need?  You know you’re chill, or welcome? That is what I live for: His nod of approval.  

Matthew 5:11,12a says, “Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.  Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: 

Not a one of us likes it when evil is said against us.  But God says, "Hey! How’s your response?”

Rejoice?  What?  But I don’t like it when I feel others accusing me.  But I don’t like criticism when I’m trying so desperately hard to do everything right I possibly can.  But God, He commands us… to rejoice!  And then I love the rest of verse 12, “for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.”  As if the Lord gently says, “Honey, you’re not the first, and you won’t be the last.  This thing is common to all.”  

Joshua reminds us that God will fight for us.  He is our great defender.  Joshua 23:10,”For the Lord your God, he it is that fighteth for you.”  And then He encourages us to keep the main thing, the main thing in the following verse, “Take good heed therefore unto yourselves, that ye love the Lord your God.”  

Misunderstood? Perhaps.  Attacked?  Maybe.  Condemned, for sure.  Do I deserve it? Absolutely.  I’m a sinner just like everyone else.  I make stupid mistakes all the time.  But what does Joshua exhort us to do?  He brings us right back to commandment number one.  Because commandment number one is what really is important: Love Him.  

Come what may, may we keep loving the Lord our God.  May we always endeavor by the grace of God to live for His nod.  If we live for His nod, we’ll find that one day nothing else truly mattered. 

Surely Goodness

10:04 AM




I just can't take grave stones.  I can't handle when I see people posting pictures of tombstones on Facebook like it´s absolutely nothing.  I accompanied my father-in-law to the grave the other day.  I told him it´s one of my pet peeves.  Everyone comes and happily chats with their family like it's a holiday (and sometimes it actually is, and yes I'm serious!).  But me?  No way.  Death is the worst, the absolute ugliest thing I have ever seen... 

Tragedy strikes, a young, innocent child dies of cancer.  Why? What happened?  How could God let something like that happen? Is God really good? An elderly man gets sick and they discover HIV, a whole family is diagnosed with a sickening disease for which there is no cure.  But they were such a good family… They didn’t do anything wrong.  What went haywire?  Is God angry? Did he forget?

So I think to myself...many say God is good, according to HIS standards, but that doesn't necessarily mean He's going to do good for me, right? Or make my life favorable? Bestow blessings?  Doubts flood our minds as we daily see the realities and difficulties of life.  Why would a good God ___________?  You can fill in the blank with your own pain, I'm sure.  

When my husband died, I went through such intense pain, pain like I never even knew existed in life.  It brought me to my breaking point where I began to question everything I'd ever believed.  Where in the Bible does it say God is good, to me?  I can accept that He may be good as in His own, lofty, "Godly kind of good to Himself kind-of-a-way", but good to me and my personal life?

I can recite and chant Romans 8:28- "All things work together for good to them who love God..." but many doubts enter into my mind… so maybe I don't love Him enough?  Maybe I did something wrong?  If so, God just tell me what I did!  Maybe I do not love Him with all my heart and He simply cannot bless me?  I mean, the Bible does say God is just, and as much as I hate it, I sin more than I ought.  

Coming to my own confused conclusions one day, I simply stubbornly promised God just one thing:  That if He never ever did anything good in my life again... I would still serve Him and love Him every day, because of Calvary.  Recently, I was reading Psalm 23 with one of my girls. We got to the last verse and something stuck out to me.  Perhaps I have read or quoted the Psalm hundreds of times before, but I had never seen this gold nugget of truth.  
¨Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me....¨   When?!?! All the days of my life. Here. This life. He promises good here--- all the days of my life!  

Life? This life?  This crazy, insane life?  This life full of unwanted tombstones, tragic deaths, hurt, confusion, abuse? This one in which at times we feel everything may be falling apart instead of falling into place? This pain? This heartbreak? This journey?  Good? For me?  

What a promise!  Right here in one of the most well known Psalms ever we see it is true.  Surely, certainly, you can count on it, truly, goodness shall follow you! And if I don't see His goodness... what then? Could it be His promise has failed?  Could His Word not be true?  Or could it be that we fail to SEE His goodness in our every-day lives?  Could it be that our focus is not on what God would have us to focus?  

I believe sometimes we focus too much on the tombstones in our lives.  Now, I´m not minimizing grief.  I believe there is a time for everything and consider myself a serious and expert griever.  But when we focus on the tombstones in our lives, our vision for everything else becomes clouded.  The tombstones prohibit us from seeing the goodness of God.  But when we look for His goodness, we will find it.  We will see that in one way or another, His goodness has been there all along. When we focus on God's goodness, the tombstones of our lives don't seem quite as threatening anymore.

Reading about the children of Israel, I see another promise, "that he might humble thee, and that he might prove thee, to do thee good at thy latter end...." Deuteronomy 8:16 sounds an awful lot like Jeremiah 29:11, doesn't it? "Thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end..." in the Hebrew language, expected means a hope, or the thing that you long for in the end.  That is a pretty serious promise from a very good God, if you ask me! 

So today... just know, although you may be facing dark, troublesome storms… He's still working out His plan for YOUR good. It might seem like the bottom's falling out of your world, but He's there, carefully molding your life into His perfect story.  He promises us good, ALL the days of our life.  He promises, surely goodness will follow you.  Will you look for His goodness today?  
The photo I used for this post, was taken by Mrs. Rebecca Pattison.  She and her husband Chris are missionaries to the Philippines.  I thank God for like-minded friends who are using their lives to reach the world for Christ! 

Grief's Three Friends

8:47 AM




Have you ever sat down and wondered what bothers God?  In the past week alone, I've had two good friends ask me the same question... "Heather, what bothers you?"  This morning, as I was reading, the same question popped into my head about God.  "O faithless and perverse generation..."  The word faith always has a way of jumping off the page at me and this time I wanted to cross out the less with the lead in my pencil.

Can you imagine what an insult it must be to an Almighty God for us to limit His almightiness?  Can you imagine being known for something, famous for something... and yet having someone deny that very essence of who you are?  I wonder if God had a list of things that bother him... if faithless would be somewhere close to the top?

My eyes caught three words on a sign this morning and as I was seeking the heart of God, it's as if He revealed to me a special gift He's given me over the course of the past two years. Three grief friends, we'll called them.  

Faith, is obviously the first.  Faith is believing in the dark, when there's not even a crack of light bleeding through the bleak blackness.  True faith sits with the little girl in the back of the station wagon at the end of Miracle of 34th street and states, "I believe, I believe, I can't see but I believe."  Even in the worst of circumstances, faith chooses to keep believing.  When there is no light, no rhyme, no reason, no answers, faith still hopes. 

Hope is an unusual little friend.  Many times we use hope as a wish, such as, "I hope I can go to Disney World next year."  But I'm learning that hope does not have to depend on circumstances or on a series of good events or favor.  Hope doesn't just sit back and wait for the next break, or 'I just won the lottery' moment.  Hope does not rest on finances, belongings, or happiness. Hope is not founded upon a what, but rather a Who.  Hope does not simply wait for better days to come.  Hope is secure when cast onto the deepest waters like an anchor upon the Lover of our soul. 

Love... and the greatest of these is love.  Angela is about ten years old.  Her mom begged me to speak with her after Bible study one night, because Angela doesn't believe that God would love her and want to save her from her sins.  After speaking with Angela, I realized why.  Absence of paternal love creates distrust.  If my Dad doesn't love me, why in the world would God even care? 

I was blessed by loving parents.  I grew up knowing about love, believing that I was loved and accepted.  I learned more about love when I met Daniel.  I got my fairy tale Disney romance story of "falling in love" as the world calls it.  I read a ton of books before marriage to prepare myself to better love and respect my mate, and then I learned daily about love for 3 years and 8 months while married to Daniel.  Together we learned what love meant when we left our country, family, friends, customs, and commodities to fly to Peru, giving ourselves to this dear country.  But nothing has taught me what true love is as much as 2 years of grief.  What's good about grief?  Nothing... at first it may seem, but there really are blessings, like my three friends.


It's easy to love when someone else brings you what you want, shows you attention, compliments, adds favor or benefits your life.  But when God strips nearest and dearest, when God goes freezing cold silent on you for weeks on end and you can see no light, no favor, no attention, no added happiness and instead are seemingly forced to endure pitch black darkness, emptiness, loneliness, hardship, and haunting loss, and yet choose to love and give and be broken for others... now that's true love.  Isn't that what Christ did after all? The cross, the nails, the pain, the spit, the rejection, the sting of death afresh, HE endured to show us true love.  

Today, I choose gratitude for three grief friends that I have come to intimately know on my journey.  Without them, I would not be the person I am today. 

And now abide faith, hope, love, these three, but the greatest of these is love.  1 Cor. 13:13 

SO MUCH MORE

7:38 AM


These two... I wanted to take them home, give them baths, a hot plate of food and new clothes. Jefferson was so talkative and "wanted to tell me everything he knew and assured me he knew right where our church was -- because he lives just near there, right up the mountain".  And while I joy in sharing Christ's unending love for them and the normal "get out of jail" free kind of a salvation plan, inwardly; I desperately want something so much more for them and every other person.  My heart breaks and I want to break more, do more, be more, change more... for them and so many others.

I plead at the altar early Sunday morning in tears that He might show up today in His temple we call church. "God, make this more than just a social club." I beg.  "Make this more than a 'you can go to heaven instead of hell' 'come hear the white man speak' kind of a shallow social club meeting." 

If they could just see and know that God is infinitely SO much bigger and better than just the promise of eternal life. Life's not only about the initial and principal decision of 'receive Him as Savior', although that's the perfect place to start. 

If they could just begin to understand that life is so much more than a dreaded routine we're somehow forced to breathe into, walk into, work into, die into...

If they could just get it- that He is so much more wonderful and sufficient than anything earthly they could ever want to have or begin to imagine.

If they could just see that He's real and believe He loves them. That anything they need God to be, He can be that for them. He IS, the great I AM. 

If they could only see that coming to the end of yourself is just the beginning of knowing Christ.  One would never hand pick suffering. One wouldn't wish it on anyone, would never ask for it, would never want it, never, ever.  One would never want anyone to have to go through suffering. Very few will ever know or understand, but this hand picked suffering in my life from my ever-loving Savior is what has begun to open my eyes to His wonder.  

Coming to the end of one's self time and time again means coming to the beginning of seeing Christ time and time again. Tears flood my eyes as gratitude floods my heart as I see Him as everything I've ever needed Him to be.  Every single time, every single day, every single void, every single pain.... each one, that I choose to take to His hand, He graciously accepts and shows me that He's there. I believe pain can be a gift, a desperately hard gift to receive, yet if received --- the deepest blessing. Suffering sometimes still scares me. Suffering brings emotions and anger, hurt and pain, the likes I'd never felt before. I wonder how deep it can possibly go... and "God, don't you know my heart's already been ground to powder? How can I break again?" 

But the deeper my suffering, the deeper my admiration for His. The further I go down this unwanted and undesired path, the closer I find Him to be to my broken-to-shreds heart. 

I speak to Him as I never have before--- a whisper and He's there. Sharp pain shoots through, yet there- in that same deep there place in my heart is His tender touch that healeth the deepest wounds.

Who am I, that He should love me? That He should come to bear my cross?  What? My cross? I lose sight of my cross when I instead choose to fix my eyes on His.  His cross? What pain, what suffering, what love. Mine? Ha, can I even say I have a cross in light of His? 

If only these people, could know- that He is so much more than a huge God-like figure out in space who somehow distantly made the world. He's an intimate Friend, Lover of my soul, Provider, Giver of every good thing, Filler of every void, Satisfier of every longing. 

And now, perhaps you can see my struggle on the streets of Lima...

Dearest soul who doesn't yet know Him:
"I can't begin to tell you what you're about to get into... but I can tell you this. It'll be the best thing that will ever happen to you--- and it is just the beginning. He is more... so much more. He is worth it, and so much more than worth it. I wouldn't have picked suffering, but now I wouldn't let you take it away for anything in the world. Because knowing Him like this, is literally the best thing that has ever happened to me. It's indescribable, just knowing that HE IS."


And until all do know Him, may we lift high His cross. Because He truly, and He alone, is so much more. 

One Lime

11:25 AM





I sit in a daze of shock as I try to take in all the effects of recent floods.  Much rain has caused chaos in this country.  Floods, mudslides, homes washed away, over 60 deaths, lines of people waiting with buckets for water, and much damage is just hard to take in and comprehend... especially when it's right on your front doorstep.

One of my absolute favorite things about Peru is all the fresh food so readily available!  I guess you'd say I'm spoiled as sometimes I'll eat a whole avacado with my meal, or splurge on half a pineapple that costs a sol .80, which is like 50 US cents.  Pineapple and 2 pitchers full of fresh juice for 50 cents, yes, please!!!  

But days ago, things started to get bad with the floods.  Fresh produce can no longer get through due to highways completely destroyed and bridges that have collapsed.  All of a sudden, limes skyrocketed in price, now costing over 10 USA dollars for a kilo (2.2 lbs for you americans out there ;)) !  I smiled to myself because- thank God, I still have 10 limes stored away in my fridge.  Believe me that this morning as I reached for a lime to make my lime water I love so much that I felt spoiled,  downright spoiled to still have limes!!!  Running water that has been cut for 5 days straight makes one the happiest woman alive to be able to have a real shower.  Joy abounds in this heart over the tiniest things, that before I never even would have noticed.  

A question that's plagued my mind over the past several years is, "Why is it that we don't appreciate what we have until it's taken away from us?"  Of course we might appreciate it to some degree, but we don't appreciate the fullness of it... until it's gone and we finally realize what we have or had.  

I struggle to keep my composure when I hear the slightest joke about being married, or when a wife is complaining to me about her husband.  Why?  Because I would do anything, anything to have her "problem" again, if it meant I could have 5 more minutes with Daniel.  I would gladly work any job, live in any conditions, survive any time period... if only I could have Daniel back.  

So many times we wait to be grateful until we realize it's gone.  Gratitude makes what we have enough.  We look at what we have and become thankful for it...that's gratitude.  But many times our perspective is wrong, we don't see things as we ought.  I can't tell you how many times I've taken limes for granted!!  I seriously love limes and use them almost daily here-- but I can't honestly tell you that I've thanked God for them daily.  But I promise you that every little half lime I use from my fridge this week, I will be thanking God for it!  And the next time, should the Lord allow me to buy more limes at the market (I won't touch them until prices come down, I'm way too thrifty!) I will be praising Him and counting them as blessings.  

Gratitude, I am learning, is one of the biggest keys to having a joyful life.  We can look at what we don't have, and always have a reason to complain.  OR, we can look at every blessing and find that it IS enough, and that God is indeed good and always working on our behalf.  Today, I'm thanking Him for limes.  And you? For what will you choose to thank Him?  What will you see that you already have, yet have not given thanks?  Today I'll be thankful for one lime, yes- please and thank you! 

Make my Refuge

12:43 PM




Reading by lamplight as I waited for the sun to rise, my eyes caught hold of these verses.

Ps 57:1 ...for my soul trusteth in thee: yea, in the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge, until these calamities be overpast. 

Ps 59:16- but I will sing of thy power; yes, I will sing aloud of thy mercy in the morning: for thou hast been my defense and refuge in the day of trouble. 

I felt the Lord gently ask me, 

"Heather, 
In your day of trouble, have you made me your defense and refuge?"

The first Psalm mentioned above says "will I make" that's a verb, it takes action. Will I actively make Him my refuge and defense? 

Many times, I almost prefer to have my "pet worries" and try desperately to solve my own problems. I muse frustrated for hours, trying to figure out and make sense of everything myself.

Nevertheless God loves it when we come to the place where we need Him. If I'm really honest, I'll admit that I want to be self-sufficient. I'd rather not bother Him, thank you very much. But what if He sends us trials, tests and problems so that we can know Him as our defense, strength, and refuge? What if problems are given- not as issues to be solved, but rather as gifts to teach us to make Him our strength, refuge, and defense? 

God? He stands there like a gentleman and waits... on me, to once again realize I can't do this on my own.  He wants me to know I wasn't made strong enough to take it all, that's why He offers to help.  He has ALL power, no limits, no issues Himself and simply waits to show Himself strong on my behalf.  He can be anything I need Him to be, my strength, my shield, my defense, my comforter, but I must come to the place where I will admit to Him that I need Him to be that for me.  He waits for me to come running to Him for help. 

Ps 59:9 says, ¨Because of His strength will I wait upon thee: for God is my defence.¨

David recognized that it involved His waiting upon God.  Waiting, in this instance, means to keep, observe, guard, take heed, watch.  God's always there for me, but until I come before Him and wait on Him, I will not find Him because I´m usually too busy trying to do it all myself.


When will we run to Him, find his strength, trust His defense, and embrace His mercy? When will we wait on Him, looking upward, meanwhile resting perfectly content in each page of His story for our lives? His undying mercy awaits. In the shadow of His wings will I make my refuge. 

Come Home Full

12:30 AM






There’s just something about Ruth’s sweet words in the first chapter of her book that I believe grab all of our attention…”Whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God.”  Ruth’s focus had nothing to do with herself, it had everything to do with God and others. *Did you catch the word focus?  Every person chooses what focus they will have.*  Her attitude said, “It doesn’t matter what I’ve faced, the heartbreak in my own life, I will chose to live for God and others.”

Naomi, not quite so.  She was so bitter that she insisted on changing her name to Mara.  I imagine she was the type of woman that you could just tell by looking at her that she wasn’t happy or even joyful.  Her public decision to change her name almost says, “Just in case you missed it on my face, I want it to be perfectly clear that I’m upset and bitter.”  Wow! What a statement!!!

Ruth was “steadfastly minded” to go with Naomi.  Ruth, just like Naomi and Orpah, had faced her own heartbreak and tragic chapter in her story.  She chose to stay in the story God had for her without getting bitter, angry, or even upset. 

Naomi states clearly that she “came home empty” even when she had Ruth who came home with her.  Unfortunately, she was so bitter and focused on what God had taken away that she couldn’t get over it, and she missed the blessings God had already given her. 

My million dollar question right now is, “How do I help someone become grateful for something they don’t even know they have?”  So often we choose to dwell on what we don’t have yet or what’s been taken away from us that we don’t see the true blessings God puts in our lives.  We “come home empty” when we focus on what has been taken or what is not, instead of focusing on what’s been freely given us already. 

Today, would have been Daniel’s 28th birthday.  It was a good day for me when I realized and acknowledged that God’s perfect plan for Daniel’s story was for it to be continued in heaven starting May 5th, 2015.  God’s story did not have one more hour or moment or day planned for Daniel to live on earth.  God’s story was to take Daniel to heaven.  I can rejoice when I look at every moment I got to have with Daniel, or I can still mourn over what “is not”; what God has chosen to do differently.

Naomi clearly missed what God had given her already because she chose to focus on what had already been taken.  If you look in verses 20-21, Naomi uses the word “me” 6 times.  She’s so focused on herself that she doesn’t even see others.  Ruth, on the other hand, only uses the word me "one" time.  I believe this reveals a completely contented heart in Ruth.  She was happy serving God and others. 

Psalm 68:19 says that God daily “loaded us with benefits”.  Many times, we are so busy looking at the empty side of the cup that we miss his blessings.  Today I’ll choose to be “steadfastly minded” as Ruth was to go where God wants me to go and stay where He asks me to stay, putting God and others first.  I trust that living for Him and others is the richest, happiest life that this girl could ever choose.  

Trust His Heart

12:49 PM




I flipped out the light switch in my kitchen and walked into the living room.  Out of sheer habit, I walked over to the french double doors of the balcony that overlooked the parking spaces underneath our apartment.  At that moment I realized what I was doing: I was waiting for him.  I was looking for him.  I was hoping somehow that it was all a bad dream.  Maybe he’d still come driving up in our 1967 volkswagon bug and the past 3 weeks of my life was just a nightmare.  But then it hit me like a ton of bricks all at once.    “He’s never coming home, is he, God?”  I dared to whisper as tears streamed down my face.  And that’s the first time I’d ever truly wept.  I didn’t know I could feel so much pain deep down in my heart.   The shock had only slightly begun to wear off and I had never known what it was like to feel so incredibly heart broken.

I don’t think anything in the world can prepare you for the deep trials of life.  I had faced other challenges, but nothing could prepare me for this.  Several weeks earlier, God gave me the biggest trial I have ever faced.  My husband had fallen from a 3 story window and six days later passed on to meet His Savior.  I was in shock.  Devastated. Unprepared.  I kept thinking, ¨No one has ever told me what to do in case of death.¨ ¨Is this really happening?¨  I asked myself over and over.  ¨Can´t I go to sleep and wake up with my husband next to me in bed and shudder at the horrid nightmare, yet hug him close as I fall back to sleep?¨  Yet it was reality.  No matter how much I tried to wish it away, or wanted to avoid it, the biggest trial of my life this far stared coldly at me in the face.  Still to this day, it seems too heavy a burden to carry, too cruel an accident to be a reality, and yet I wake up every morning to the horrible truth:  he’s gone… Until heaven.  I won’t see him ever again on this earth.  I will never hold his hand again, hug him when he needs a friend, encourage him while he’s discouraged, cook for him when he’s hungry, or make him laugh when he’s sad…. ever again.  ¨He was only 26¨ I thought over and over.  ¨We were serving God, every day, with everything we had.  Why did God take him?¨  ¨There’s so much more we have to do here in Peru.  So much work, so much need.  So many dreams and plans and hopes and now…. What?  What in the world do I do? 

Daniel had just been drilling our teenagers during his preaching, “There are two changes in life.  The ones we can control, and the ones we can’t.  What is the only thing we can control?”  And our teens would yell out, “Our reaction.”  Never did I imagine His preachings would be precisely what I was about to desperately need. 


I’m not sure how, and I’m not sure why, but that night as I wept bitter tears realizing he would never come home, I believe the Holy Spirit prompted me to make a most important decision.  When I came to the place that I felt I could no longer cry, I looked up into heaven and told God something I will never forget.  ¨God,  I promise you, that no matter how many times I cry, no matter how bad my life gets, no matter how much I hurt or grieve, and even if you don’t do anything good in my life ever again, I will always trust you.¨

You may have memorized Prov. 3:5 as a kid, ¨Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding.¨  Such a simple truth, and yet so incredibly hard a principle to apply when we truly can´t see a rhyme or reason to why God does what He does.  Yet the one thing we can do, is choose to trust His heart; even when our eyes cannot see.  Although it’s not always easy, this has become a decision I choose to make day after day, moment after moment.  After all, it is He who made us, and who delicately writes every part of our story.  He has promised it will all work out for His good.  So when you don’t understand, when you don’t see His plan, when you can’t trace his hand, trust His heart.  

For Better, For Worse

9:03 PM









"For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health…"  These are the words we memorized and proclaimed to each other on August 27th, 2011.  Being married was by far one of the best decisions I have ever made.  I'll never forget how excited I was to walk down the aisle and marry the love of my life.  I couldn't believe I was going to get to spend the rest of my life with Daniel Kokubun! 

We willingly give ourselves away at the atlar.  We give all we are, all we have to one person:  a human.  We know, that- regardless of how much someone loves us, that person will end up failing us.  They are human: they have sin running through their veins. Yet we promise to stand by their side, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health…. 

Which brings me to a simple question I have been pondering much as of late.  If we are so willing to trust a human being with all we are when things go well or when they become disastrous… whatever happened to trusting God, even when circumstances He plans for our lives are not favourable.  

We want the “welfare Christianity.”  God, I’ll follow you- but here’s my list.  I must have (and you can fill in the blank here- a good job, a nice car, a happy healthy family, a painless life… etc, etc.)  Perhaps we don’t openly hand Him a list, but we sure have our agenda.  I think all of us when we get married have our list of “expectations.”  Expectations set up for disappointment, because let’s face it- no one’s perfect, and we all fail.  Yet somehow, we think we can bring our list of expectations to God and say, “I surrender all-- but you would never do anything that would bring me hurt right?” 

Why is it, that we are willing to trust a person with everything, knowing they will fail us, but the moment God allows hurt into our lives somehow we feel we have a right to get bitter and mad at Him?  Where are the Christians who will stand up and say, “God, no matter what you do in my life, I will follow you, until death.”  Where are the Christians who will rip up their list of expectations and their hopes of a happy Disney World Christian life to say, “Here, God. Take my life.  I surrender all.  I’ll take pain, I’ll take suffering, I’ll do anything, just to be yours.”  

I greatly admire the faith and courage of Elisabeth Elliot who said, “Faith need never ask, 'But what good did this do to me?'  Faith already knows that everything that happens fits into a pattern for good to those who love God.  An inconvenience is always, whether we see it or not, a blessed inconvenience.  We may rest in the promise that God is fitting together a good many more things than are any of our business.  We need never see 'what good it did,' or how a given trouble accomplishes anything.  It is peace to leave it all with Him, asking only that He do with me anything He wants, anywhere, anytime, that God may be glorified.” 

Wow, what surrender.  Oh, to have a heart like hers.  True love, as we read about in 1 Corinthians 13, ¨Bears all things.¨  This could mean putting up with a tiny inconvenience or being willing to bear and endure deep suffering.  True love ¨Bears all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.¨ (1 Cor. 13:7)  

When I stood at the altar on August 27th, 2011, I committed to 'for better or for worse' with Daniel, for the rest of our lives.  It´s a commitment I gladly made.  He was more than worth it. 

We’re willing to trust a human being who will fail us.  But God, He won’t ever fail us.  And although sin brings a myriad of unfortunate circumstances into our lives, we have a promise:  That His story will be perfect.  We might not like our role in it, or what it means for us at the time being.  But when did we start believing that it’s all about us anyways?  It’s not about us.  Period.  It’s not about our happiness.  Period. Happiness will come, one day...  But right now, He’s working His story and His plan.  Will we trust Him, for better or for worse?  Till death… ? 

All of me

12:44 PM



You know how when you first get married, there’s a big joke about when you’re going to have your first fight?  Dan and I used to constantly mess around and joke about what our first fight would be about.  What petty, stupid thing would have the honor of being the contingency for our first fight?

I don’t remember if when we ever had our “first fight”  but I do remember one fight.  I’m not exactly sure what horrible crime my husband had committed.  (Did I really just say that?  I'm sure I was the culprit!)  But I do remember that night I dished it out to him.  Talk about jerk with a capital J.   I let him have it.  We had established a rule that we wouldn’t go to sleep upset at each other.  So… late that night, I finally came to my senses and apologized to him.  I will never forget how he treated me that night.  It had been all my fault- I was a total jerk, and yet at the moment that I said, “Babe, I’m so sorry.” 
He quietly whispered, “Hun, it’s ok.  I forgive you.”  And he meant it.  He went on to explain to me in the most loving way, “Babe, I didn’t marry you because of what you could do for me.  I didn’t marry you for every good characteristic you have.  I married you for all of you.”  I looked at him totally puzzled.  “All of me?”  I asked.  “Even my jerk side?  You’re crazy.”  I probably told him.  (Hey, I believe in being blunt and real ;)) Then I asked, “Why in the world would you want to love all of me?  I can be such a jerk sometimes.  I fail often!  I try hard… but seriously, parts of my soul are downright ugly and awful.”  
He kindly responded, “I know.  But I love all of you.  Every part of who you are.” 

I’ll never forget that conversation… or a note Daniel wrote me later, that he ended with “All of who I am, Daniel.” 

About three months into my grief, my Pastor was counselling me.  He must have sensed that my grief was reaching a certain stage because he told me, “You know, Heather, it’s ok for you to get mad at God.” 
I was totally confused, trying to process in my mind how it would be ok to get mad at the one who loved me SO much, and had given His very all for me.  “But God,”  I told him through tears, “God doesn’t deserve me to get mad at Him.  He didn’t do anything wrong.  It’s all apart of His perfect plan.  Who I am to get upset with God?¨
“Did you ever fight with a really good friend?”  He asked.
“Yeah…”  I responded wondering where he was going with this.
“And was that friend, big enough to handle it?  You could say anything, and afterwards you were still friends, right?” 
My mind went back to Daniel and our little fight… “Of course”  I answered.
He went on to explain, “Then don’t you think God is big enough to listen to all you have to say?  Don’t you think He can take it?” 
My mind went back to the verse that I’ve taught my teen girls often in Psalms 62 that says, “Pour out your heart before him…” 
“Yes.”  I confirmed.  “But I still don’t want to get mad at God.”
“I know,” he answered wisely, “But just so you know… if you ever need to- it’s ok.  God can take it.  He’s big enough to handle your worst day.  He will still love you.” 

It wasn’t long after that, that I did indeed get very, very mad.  Anger rose up within me like I’d never felt before, and I ran off to the ocean near my house where the waves are wild no one would hear me.  Because I felt like my Preacher had given me permission, I began to let it all out.  I yelled into those waves.  I screamed, I cried, I used words that weren’t very “youth pastor’s wife-ish.”  I got mad at God.  I told Him all about it.  I asked why in the world God would take my Daniel, and demanded what we were doing that was SO WRONG that He had to take Him to heaven.  I finished my tantrum, and then I prayed as I always do at the end of my grief sessions, “But God, you know that I trust you.  And of course I still love you.”  And it was then, that it came to me.  “All of me… loves all of you.”  A silly song Dan and I heard on a commercial that we would frequently sing to each other.  But this time… I sang it to God. 

God’s plan, is for Daniel not to be here.  I don’t like his plan right now.  But I do love Him, and I do trust His heart.  I do believe He is good, and that He has a perfect plan for redemption in my life, even through the death of Daniel.  I’m sure God didn’t exactly like my screaming fit… and yet- He reminded me, that His love is unconditional, and that He truly does love all of me.  What wondrous love is this?  Oh my soul, oh my soul. 

On good days and bad days alike on my journey this has become my theme: 
“All of me, God, you get all of me.”  

When I feel like I’m living in a nightmare and wonder what the sense in doing this thing of life really is without Dan, and why it even matters- I remind God that I’m giving Him all of me.  And for one more day- and all my days thereafter, I’ll love Him... with all of me.    

Worthy

6:33 PM


For more than 3 months now,  I have had one question on my mind more than any other.  

Of course, I’ve asked “Why?” “Why would God take a young man, who loved Him with all of His heart, who served Him every day, who daily picked up His cross to follow Him, who preached the Word of God, who had a whole life ahead of Him and who could have done so much to further the kingdom of Christ?" But that’s not the question that I’ve asked the most.

The question I’ve struggled with the most is, “What would Daniel say to me, if he knew I was going through this?”  “What would he tell me to do?”  

Daniel had a bigger than life perspective on everything.  He constantly amazed me with his wisdom, his deep knowledge and his walk with the Father.  Last year, through one of the toughest trials of my life, he helped me every step of the way.  One Sunday, we returned home from church.  We were both happy and laughing.  As we walked up the stairs and turned to look at our door, it was busted opened and there were hangers scattered.  Our home had been robbed.  Many, many things had been taken, and more than that- they had gone through all of our personal things as well.  Our house was turned upside down that day, and so was my life.  But Daniel…. He wasn’t phased at all.  He knew I was struggling, so he didn’t say much until the following morning after breakfast at our hotel when I asked, “What in the world do we do?”  His response, astounded me.  He reminded me of Daniel in the Bible, who not only had everything robbed, but was also taken from his people to a far away land.  He was stripped of family, friends, culture, language, everything he had, and forced to live in another country as almost a slave.   Daniel told me that our trial would change my life. I could get bitter and upset.  Hadn’t we given up enough to come to a foreign third world country?  Isn’t it enough that we had given up family and friends, holidays and birthdays, modern conveniences… just to live here?  Then, the people we came to give everything to— took it away.  I struggled… for months I struggled. But Daniel shared one thing with me that helped me get through it.  Daniel suggested that I do what Daniel from the Bible did: that I pray toward Lima three times a day, and beg God to send revival to this country.  Daniel lovingly reminded me that the Bible Daniel never forgot where he came from:  he prayed three times a day toward Jerusalem.  But he didn’t let it affect him negatively.  This was what helped me through my last life changing trial… so I suppose it is only natural that I should want to hear exactly what he would tell me as I´m going through this trial.

On Sunday, my Preacher, Dan Hubbard, preached a sermon about not giving up.  I sat in silence trying to hide the tears that streamed down my face.  Something I did not know previously about grief is that it gets worse as time goes on.  I somehow innocently thought that if I could make it through my husband’s funeral and burial service, I could make it.  I’m so glad that I had no idea then how hard it would be for me now.  I’m so glad I was completely clueless, but at the same time, I feel so very ignorant for not realizing the intense pain that others have suffered for years, without me once even having the slightest idea that a human being could suffer so.  Preacher spoke about not giving up on one’s marriage, children, and lastly on God.  Toward the end of his sermon, I had my answer to the question I haven’t stopped asking since Daniel’s death.  He said something I won’t forget.  “Jesus loved you so much that He died for you.  He never gave up on you even if it meant death.¨  That was it!  That was my answer. 

Daniel would tell me ‘Jesus loved you so much that He gave everything He had for you, to the last drop of blood.’  So… what can you, Heather, do for Him?  In the midst of my suffering and broken heart, I can give everything I am for Him.  Jesus’ life didn’t turn out “pretty” until he rose again.  Jesus fought until His death, so I could have eternal life.  The least I can do, is serve Him and love Him and live for Him… until I die.  No matter how hard, no matter what the pain, no matter how much I may suffer.  Jesus did it.  He didn’t turn his back on the cup of suffering that God handed Him.  His answer was, “Nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.” Luke 22:42 

To be human for a moment, I can’t honestly tell you how many times I’ve told God these past few weeks, “This isn’t what I wanted.  This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.  This wasn’t what I wanted with my story.” I’ve struggled.  Bitter tears have streamed down my face as I ask Him “Why?” “What did I do that was so wrong that I should deserve to have my dearest person on earth taken away from me?”

And yet, following Jesus’ example means I humbly surrender.  I pick up the ugly, splintery cross He has lovingly chosen for me to carry each and every hour of every day, and say, “Ok, Father.  Not what I want… but what you do.”  Life isn’t all about me, anyways, is it?  It’s all about Him.  It’s all about Him getting the glory He so rightly deserves. 

 After all, isn’t He worthy? 

“Jesus did the most He could do, He died for me.  The least I can do is live for Him.” He never promised the road would be easy.  But He did promise He would never leave me, nor forsake me. 

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